Building Up Moms

Sometimes I think no one really cares that the floors are squeaky clean or not. And that no one ever thinks HOW their dirty clothers magically re-appear washed and ironed. They only holler for me when they can’t find clean underwear or a paricular outfit they want to wear.

Often times, I have to keep repeating to myself, under my breath, “God sees, God sees.”

I am sure they don’t mean to ignore me or are ungrateful but it just happens, kwim? I guess I should be glad that they look upon me as a dependable source?! I mean, why else would they ask me where their stuff are when they were the ones playing with it the whole day???

Anyhow, I read this posting off Niki’s Blog and I thought it was a great reminder that God truly sees what we do, no matter how small or insignificant we think it is.

Here’s to us, moms. We are building cathedrals! May we all be encouraged and continue pressing on.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? Some days I’m not a pair of hands ; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer,’What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths,after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim for more of my writings & thoughts.

The price of everything seems to have gone up in a twinkling of an eye, hasn’t it?

Flour (wheat), rice, fuel, milk…………

So how does one cope with increasing costs but fixed salaries? There are many ways to deal with this situation. You either cut costs or increase your household income.

Increasing one’s household income seems to be a no brainer. So many SAHMs start thinking about returning to the workforce or working from home or starting a home business.

May I suggest that cost cutting may be a better way?

We need to re-examine our lifetsyle and start asking the hard question : is it a need or is it a want whenever we start eyeing something to purchase or signing up the children for yet another enrichment class.

There are many books and websites that cover these topics and in greater detail than I can ever do so in this post. These are a few titles that come to mind. Just google “frugal living”, “simple living” and you’ll have a whole host of websites and books to start you off. Some examples include :

Books
The Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyczyn
Miserly Moms by Jonni McCoy

Websites
Living On A Dime
The Dollar Stretcher
The Frugal Life

How have we been cutting costs?

1. Cut electrical consumption

a) Reduce use of the airconditioner

The biggest culprit in raising our electricity bills is the use of the air-conditioner. So we don’t sleep with the air-conditioning on. If the weather is extremely hot and humid, we will cool down the bedrooms for a few hours before switching it off and leaving only the ceiling fans on.

But I must say that one of the main motivating reasons to do this is our sensitive noses. Sleeping in air-conditioned rooms often leave us with stuffy or running noses in the middle of the night and lots of sneezing in the mornings.

In the daytime, unless it is extremely hot and humid, I do not turn on the air-conditioner. Even when we do turn it on, I try to hold off turning it on till the late afternoon. It does require a huge amount of self-discipline to not turn it on especially during the hot and humid months.

But I must say that sometimes, for the sake of sanity, I will turn it on from the mornings. Thankfully, those are rare days. Usually, we just have the fans on at full blast and we shower more often.

b) Stop boiling water unnecessarily

Another way we have cut down our bill is to stop boiling our drinking water. We used to boil all our water in a 2-litre electric kettle, cool it down and then transfer it to the water dispenser. Now with a family of 8 you can imagine how much water we were boiling per day! Then I switched to boiling the water on the gas stove. That saved us nearly $20 a month!

Today, we no longer boil any water unless it is to make our morning cuppa This is because we have installed a water filter/purifier in our home. Since it eliminates all the impurities and chlorine, it is safe enough to drink direct from the filtered tap. Yes, the cost of installing the filter was high but now we are enjoying clean filtered water and have eliminated the need to boil litres and litres of water daily.

c) Sun and/or air dry our laundry.

We have not used a dryer for our clothes for more than 6 or 7 years. All our clothes are sun and/or air dried. Not only are we cutting down our electrical bills, we are also prolonging the life of our clothes this way.

2. Eat in more

Most of you would know by now that I dislike cooking. But one can’t deny the fact that eating in does save us lots of money. And another side benefit of cooking and eating in? You know exactly what goes into your food!

If you are like me, menu planning is really a life saver. I have heard some say that menu planning is boring and they feel restricted by their plans. And yet, these are the same people who end up eating sandwiches day after day! Isn’t that more boring?!

If you need some inspiration, click this link to find out how you can Save Time And Money By Planning Your Meals

3. Buy less

This is where we often ask ourselves : do we really need this??? Afterall, one item more in our possession means 1 more item cluttering up the home! Do the children or I really need one more dress/shirt/pants? Do I really need to buy that book. Perhaps I can borrow it from the library/friend instead.

Retail therapy and impulse shopping is fun but burns a hole in the pocket. And one often ends up with more stuff than what one has use for. How wasteful! 

Even with groceries. Do the children need to snack? And snack so much? But even as I want to cut costs, I don’t want to compromise on our health. 

We love our meat and don’t plan on becoming vegetarians overnight to cut costs To deal with the rising cost of meat, we use a mix of fresh and frozen meats. I don’t like frozen meat for soups (not as tasty as fresh meat, in my humble opinion) but if I were going to pan fry the meat or cook it in flavourful stews, frozen meat can work quite well. Frozen meat can cost less than half the price of fresh meat! That’s a lot of savings!

Another example - beef is expensive and so is mutton. So we make do with more chicken and pork. Fruits and vegetables are an important part of a healthy diet but the children do not need to eat strawberries everyday!

We drink water not juice or gasp! canned drinks! Water is good for our bodies. Sugared drinks are not. They are bad for our teeth too! If your children are addicted to it, this is a good time to wean them off it. You can choose to cold turkey them or dilute their juices with more and more water till they get used to drinking plain ole water.

4. Eat leftovers

I learnt this from my mom. Everytime there are leftovers from a meal, she would keep them and she would either re-heat them and eat it at the next meal or try to create another dish out of the leftover food. She would also collect leftover rice and cook fried rice with it at the end of the week.

If you hate to eat leftovers, then one way to avoid having them is to cook less! And better still, give your children smaller portions and allow them to ask for seconds if they are still hungry. This way is better than piling their plates with food and have them leave it unfinished.

5. Buy from eBay or Yahoo auction sites

I have said this before and I will say it again. Before you rush out and buy something in a shop, check out the auction sites first. I just bought a pair of brand new, soft, lamb skin shoes for the baby. I saw a similar pair retailing for $36 but bought this brand new pair off eBay at $20.00, including postage!

If you don’t mind well-kept second hand items, these auction sites are great for bargains. Sometimes, you can even get brand new items at a better price than from bricks-and-mortar stores since these online stores have no overhead costs. And occasionally, buying items all the way from the US can even be cheaper than buying it locally! Do your research before you buy anything if you are looking to be thrifty.

6. No enrichment classes

Yes, this may be a hard thing for Singaporeans to give up since it is so ingrained in our culture that junior must be taking up ballet or speech and drama or art classes to be well rounded. Some classes may be necessary - eg. if the child is not doing well in a certain subject and mom or dad can’t help. But many classes are optional and unnecessary. Or they could be delayed till a more appropriate time.

7. Diluting Soaps and Shampoos

I did not start out diluting our liquid soaps and shampoo to cut costs but to prevent the children from leaving a slippery mess in the bathroom. They tend to use too much soap and not rinse off thoroughly leaving the floor very slippery  And for the dd with eczema, this led to the overdrying of her skin. So I decided to dilute the soap and shampoo to “control” the amount of soap and shampoo used.

But then I realised that an added benefit of diluting the soap and shampoo is that one bottle of shampoo or liquid soap can last a long time!

8. DIY

If one can DIY (do-it-yourself) in many areas, one would save a lot of money. Eg. sew your own clothes, fix your toilet, cook from scratch, teach, etc…

If you are able to DIY all your household chores, this is one big way one can save money! I know that this can be difficult to do when one has very young children but it can be done. Or one can compromise by eliminating the live-in helper but getting a once a week part-time helper OR asking your part time helper to come in once every fortnight instead of once every week.

Yes, it means you have to do more but hey! everything has a price, no?

If you need help in managing your housework, you can check out my posts under Home Management.

As we look to cut our costs, please do not compromise on areas of hygiene and health. I once heard that someone did not shower for 2 to 3 days to save water! Perhaps if one lived in a cool and dry climate that is a real possibility. But in hot and humid Singapore?! One would need to shower at least once a day to not cause the person next to us to faint!

What about the use of the car you may be thinking? For us at this stage of our lives, the car is a necessity. Taking the public transport (bus or mrt) with many young children in tow is a real challenge. Especially when neither our walkways nor fellow passengers are child-friendly The only time we take the public transport is if we are taking 2 or 3 children with us only - which is a rarity.

I’d like to add one more point - sometimes, the stress one has to go through to save a few dollars here and there is not worth it. Do prayerfully consider with your dh how you can together cut costs so that you can continue to stay home and be a mother to your children without placing more stress on your dh to bring in more money.

Don’t forget, God does provide!

Sometimes even when it doesn’t seem possible or logical, we have personally experienced His providence in amazing ways. Keep looking to Him for your needs.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory
by Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19

Happy cost cutting! And do share if you have other tips that can help the rest of us.

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Check out My Blog, Building An Ark In Singapore, for more of my writings and musings.

(Second part of Confinement without the Confinement Lady)

So how is one to rest during confinement if one has to look after the baby and the housework and the planning and cooking of meals?

1. Make resting your top priority

When I did my confinement without outside help, I would make REST a priority, especially in the first two weeks. That means that whenever I had a free slot, I would go and lie down. I may or may not nap but I would deliberately go and lie down.

I have learnt that sitting down is not the same as lying down to my body. I learnt this when I had bleeding in my second and third pregnancies. Prior to that, I always thought that sitting down is resting. But I would bleed even though I was not doing any heavy work but just sitting down and surfing the net. But if I lay down even for just 10 to 15 minutes, the bleeding would lessen. Ever since then, I have always made it a point to lie down to rest.

Most times I had to fight the urge to rush and do some cleaning or tidying up of the house. I just forced myself to lie down and rest!

2. Schedule a quiet rest period for everyone in the afternoon

This has been and still is a lifesaver in our house. Starting from 2pm, I start putting the children to nap/rest. The older ones obviously do not nap. But they are required to rest and be quiet. Their rest period is over at 3:30pm. I stagger everyone’s nap/rest time so that the older ones need not rest too long. This also allows the younger ones to nap before the older ones go into the room.

I then try to time the baby’s nap in the same slot. This way, I am usually able to nap for at least 30 minutes in the afternoon. It is a much needed nap due to the interrupted sleep at night.

It also helps that the children all go to rest/nap independently.

3. Teach the children to play independently

On desperately sleepy/tired days, I have been known to tell the children to play by themselves and crash out on the sofa! Those are the times I am so grateful that they are all taught from young to play independently and not to thrash the house when left alone.

This I did even with the first born child. I have to add this in as some people have commented that I am able to do this because I have the older children to watch the younger ones. Yes, now I have the older ones to watch the younger ones but not when I had only 1 child (2 years old) and 1 baby!

Teaching them to play independently should start once you are pregnant to get the children used to it. This way, even before the baby arrives, you are able to rest when you really need it without calling for help.

And of course when dh is home, he takes over so that I can nap as long as I need to.

Getting rest when having confinement without the confinement lady is possible even if this is your 2nd or 3rd birth. Commit it to the Lord and do the practical prepaprations.

Enjoy your baby!

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim for more of my writings and musings.

There was an interesting discussion on an email list I am on which had one poster asking if it were possible to do confinement* without any help. In other words, have confinement without a confinement lady* or maid or relative helping out.

Well, I am one of the few women who survived confinement without a maid or a confinement lady. And if I have to do it all over again, I would still choose to do it the same way!

Why? The main reason being that I like doing things MY way! And I like my privacy. To have someone - relative or not - staying in my house would be a terrible intrusion into my privacy. I won’t be able to rest when I wanted to.

The main point of confinement* is for the new mother to rest and recuperate from the labour and birth of the baby. Depending on the type of labour and birth one had, some women may need a lot more rest than others. (eg. someone who had a c-section will definitely need more rest than another who had a short and easy labour). As another poster said, confinement is not the time you try to prove to others that you are a supermom.

And for me, confinement is also for the baby. I prefer to keep the newborn away from crowds and people for as long as possible. I do not encourage visitors especially in the first 2 weeks after the birth. And even then, no visitors in the evenings when I know I will be physically exhausted.

So how did I survive it all six times?

Firstly, I must say upfront that I do not follow any of the confinement practices* that  most Chinese women believe in. I showered and washed my hair everyday. In fact, I would shower and wash my hair the day after I birthed in the hospital. I also bathed the baby myself. I also do not follow any special confinement diet. So with all that out of the way, I had more freedom to do things that many other women were constrained by.

For me, there were 2 main areas I would like help with post partum - food and housework. 

Food
The thought of having to plan and cook meals with a newborn baby was not something I look forward to. So we planned to order tingkat meals**. However, we were blessed when my mom and mother-in-law offered to help out with the food area. They became our tingkat service! My mother-in-law would drop off lunch and dinner at lunch time and I would re-heat the food when meal times rolled around. Mom was more concerned that my food be freshly cooked so she would drop by and cook and then leave 2x a day!

Housework
I engaged a part time helper to come in once a week after the births of #1, #2, #3 and #6. That allowed me to rest a bit more. But it was still doable without a part time helper. Just that standards of cleanliness and neatness have to be adjusted - downwards!

What about the daily stuff that needs to be done? Knowing that I did not have any extra help (besides dh when he’s home from work and the little ones) these were the things I did.

Pray, pray, pray

Yes, pray. I prayed that the labour and birth process will be smooth, quick and easy. How I felt post partum depended very much on the birth process. If it were traumatic and tiring, I know I’ll have a much tougher time ahead. So I would commit that to the Lord first.

And I prayed for His help in the days to come. Be it physical or emotional help that He would send when I needed it. He has never failed me each and everytime!

Plan, plan, plan

a) Housekeeping
At the 9th month of the pregnancy, I start de-cluttering and packing the house. There will be no time for such activities once the baby arrives. Whatever that needs to be thrown away/put away/donated are sorted out. This makes housekeeping much easier - whether I took on a part time helper or not.

b) Food
A simple menu with its corresponding grocery list is made out so that I need not be racking my brains to figure out what to cook in the last minute or worse - order in every meal! This would be used in the months after the official confinement period was over.

c) Homeschool
We take off for at least the 1st 3 months after baby’s arrival. Before that, I would go to Popular or Christainbook.com and look for activity books/story books/puzzles that can keep the younger ones occupied and not attack each other out of boredom! 

d) Care of the baby and older children
Since I did not believe or follow the confinement practice of not touching water, I was able to care totally for the baby myself. I would bathe the baby and change the baby’s diapers and nurse the baby by myself.

If dh was able to, he would bathe the older ones in the evenings when he came back from work. If he couldn’t due to work or ministry commitments, I would do it.

e) Night feedings
Since I breastfed all of them exclusively (no bottles of expressed breastmilk or formula), I had to do the night feedings. When the baby cried, I would get up and nurse the baby (our babies tend to regurgitate a lot and therefore had to be nursed in a cradle hold), burp them and then put the baby back in his/her cot. If another child woke up in the middle of the night, it would be dh’s duty to tend to that child. It’s called division of labour. Lol!

For babies #1 to #5, dh was hardly around except at night. So I was on my own mostly. With baby #6, I was blessed that he could take almost the whole month off post partum to help out. It did make things easier as I could nap when the baby napped - a luxury that I enjoyed only after baby #1.

In order to make this work, there are two main things that help greatly - my own mindset : that I can do it and training the older child/ren to be helpers.

Was it stressful? Yes, at times. Although I have pared down everything to the bare minimum there were still occasions when I am needed in two or three different places at the same time. Eg. when a toddler has an “accident” while I was nursing the baby or worse, trying to put the baby to bed!

But like I said, if I have to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was nice to be able to be in control of my own home and do things my way. Another bonus was that the older children did not have to adjust to another person’s presence in the house. 

I hope this encourages those of you who are contemplating not engaging a confinement lady to help out. Sometimes, a confinement lady* can be more of a hindrance than a help, especially if you want to succeed in breastfeeding. Many are often ignorant and not supportive of breastfeeding. So if you do choose to employ a confinement lady*, do choose wisely and if she should not work out, do not hesistate to to terminate her services for your peace of mind.

The confinement period is for the new mom to rest and bond with the baby. Anything that causes stress to the mom needs to be eliminated. If you feel the need to have an extra pair of hands, then do seek out the extra help. But if the help creates more stress and work for you, then it is better to do without the “help”.

If you want to know how to be able rest without a Confinement Lady’s or maid’s help, see What About Resting?!

 * Confinement refers to the 30-day period post partum for the Chinese, 44 days for the Malays and 40 days for the Indians. Common confinement practices include not showering or washing of hair unless it is with the use of some special herbs. The new mom is also encouraged not to touch water at all. There is a special diet for the new mom as well. What this diet is is dependent on whether one is Chinese, Indian or Malay. A confinement lady is employed to mother the new mom and baby. She is responsible for cooking the special confinement diet and looks after the baby so that the mom can rest and not need to touch any water.

**Tingkat service allows one to order cooked lunches and/or dinners which are delivered a few hours before meal times. It is delivered Mondays to Fridays. Confinement tingkat service serves up special confinement menu to the post partum mother daily for a maximum of 30 days.

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim for more of my writings and musings.