There was an interesting discussion on an email list I am on which had one poster asking if it were possible to do confinement* without any help. In other words, have confinement without a confinement lady* or maid or relative helping out.
Well, I am one of the few women who survived confinement without a maid or a confinement lady. And if I have to do it all over again, I would still choose to do it the same way!
Why? The main reason being that I like doing things MY way! And I like my privacy. To have someone - relative or not - staying in my house would be a terrible intrusion into my privacy. I won’t be able to rest when I wanted to.
The main point of confinement* is for the new mother to rest and recuperate from the labour and birth of the baby. Depending on the type of labour and birth one had, some women may need a lot more rest than others. (eg. someone who had a c-section will definitely need more rest than another who had a short and easy labour). As another poster said, confinement is not the time you try to prove to others that you are a supermom.
And for me, confinement is also for the baby. I prefer to keep the newborn away from crowds and people for as long as possible. I do not encourage visitors especially in the first 2 weeks after the birth. And even then, no visitors in the evenings when I know I will be physically exhausted.
So how did I survive it all six times?
Firstly, I must say upfront that I do not follow any of the confinement practices* that most Chinese women believe in. I showered and washed my hair everyday. In fact, I would shower and wash my hair the day after I birthed in the hospital. I also bathed the baby myself. I also do not follow any special confinement diet. So with all that out of the way, I had more freedom to do things that many other women were constrained by.
For me, there were 2 main areas I would like help with post partum - food and housework.
Food
The thought of having to plan and cook meals with a newborn baby was not something I look forward to. So we planned to order tingkat meals**. However, we were blessed when my mom and mother-in-law offered to help out with the food area. They became our tingkat service! My mother-in-law would drop off lunch and dinner at lunch time and I would re-heat the food when meal times rolled around. Mom was more concerned that my food be freshly cooked so she would drop by and cook and then leave 2x a day!
Housework
I engaged a part time helper to come in once a week after the births of #1, #2, #3 and #6. That allowed me to rest a bit more. But it was still doable without a part time helper. Just that standards of cleanliness and neatness have to be adjusted - downwards!
What about the daily stuff that needs to be done? Knowing that I did not have any extra help (besides dh when he’s home from work and the little ones) these were the things I did.
Pray, pray, pray
Yes, pray. I prayed that the labour and birth process will be smooth, quick and easy. How I felt post partum depended very much on the birth process. If it were traumatic and tiring, I know I’ll have a much tougher time ahead. So I would commit that to the Lord first.
And I prayed for His help in the days to come. Be it physical or emotional help that He would send when I needed it. He has never failed me each and everytime!
Plan, plan, plan
a) Housekeeping
At the 9th month of the pregnancy, I start de-cluttering and packing the house. There will be no time for such activities once the baby arrives. Whatever that needs to be thrown away/put away/donated are sorted out. This makes housekeeping much easier - whether I took on a part time helper or not.
b) Food
A simple menu with its corresponding grocery list is made out so that I need not be racking my brains to figure out what to cook in the last minute or worse - order in every meal! This would be used in the months after the official confinement period was over.
c) Homeschool
We take off for at least the 1st 3 months after baby’s arrival. Before that, I would go to Popular or Christainbook.com and look for activity books/story books/puzzles that can keep the younger ones occupied and not attack each other out of boredom!
d) Care of the baby and older children
Since I did not believe or follow the confinement practice of not touching water, I was able to care totally for the baby myself. I would bathe the baby and change the baby’s diapers and nurse the baby by myself.
If dh was able to, he would bathe the older ones in the evenings when he came back from work. If he couldn’t due to work or ministry commitments, I would do it.
e) Night feedings
Since I breastfed all of them exclusively (no bottles of expressed breastmilk or formula), I had to do the night feedings. When the baby cried, I would get up and nurse the baby (our babies tend to regurgitate a lot and therefore had to be nursed in a cradle hold), burp them and then put the baby back in his/her cot. If another child woke up in the middle of the night, it would be dh’s duty to tend to that child. It’s called division of labour. Lol!
For babies #1 to #5, dh was hardly around except at night. So I was on my own mostly. With baby #6, I was blessed that he could take almost the whole month off post partum to help out. It did make things easier as I could nap when the baby napped - a luxury that I enjoyed only after baby #1.
In order to make this work, there are two main things that help greatly - my own mindset : that I can do it and training the older child/ren to be helpers.
Was it stressful? Yes, at times. Although I have pared down everything to the bare minimum there were still occasions when I am needed in two or three different places at the same time. Eg. when a toddler has an “accident” while I was nursing the baby or worse, trying to put the baby to bed!
But like I said, if I have to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was nice to be able to be in control of my own home and do things my way. Another bonus was that the older children did not have to adjust to another person’s presence in the house.
I hope this encourages those of you who are contemplating not engaging a confinement lady to help out. Sometimes, a confinement lady* can be more of a hindrance than a help, especially if you want to succeed in breastfeeding. Many are often ignorant and not supportive of breastfeeding. So if you do choose to employ a confinement lady*, do choose wisely and if she should not work out, do not hesistate to to terminate her services for your peace of mind.
The confinement period is for the new mom to rest and bond with the baby. Anything that causes stress to the mom needs to be eliminated. If you feel the need to have an extra pair of hands, then do seek out the extra help. But if the help creates more stress and work for you, then it is better to do without the “help”.
If you want to know how to be able rest without a Confinement Lady’s or maid’s help, see What About Resting?!
* Confinement refers to the 30-day period post partum for the Chinese, 44 days for the Malays and 40 days for the Indians. Common confinement practices include not showering or washing of hair unless it is with the use of some special herbs. The new mom is also encouraged not to touch water at all. There is a special diet for the new mom as well. What this diet is is dependent on whether one is Chinese, Indian or Malay. A confinement lady is employed to mother the new mom and baby. She is responsible for cooking the special confinement diet and looks after the baby so that the mom can rest and not need to touch any water.
**Tingkat service allows one to order cooked lunches and/or dinners which are delivered a few hours before meal times. It is delivered Mondays to Fridays. Confinement tingkat service serves up special confinement menu to the post partum mother daily for a maximum of 30 days.
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