Building Up Moms

I need to get this out of the way coz I hear it a lot and it makes me really uncomfortable.

And, no, I don’t do it all nor do I try!

Most times people look at the various roles I perform and conclude, mistakenly, that I am a superwoman : a human with super powers! A superwoman!!!

But I am far from being a superwoman. I am human, like anyone else and most of all, sinful. The only super power I have is the ability to make milk!

Yes, I cook, I clean, I homeschool and I nurse my babies till they are ready to wean. And I maintain both blog and website myself. And we do not have a maid or a part timer or have grandparents help out or live with us. Sounds impressive huh? But these do not make me a superwoman or a supermom.

The title supermom or superwoman implies that all these tasks get done easily, effortlessly. But let me tell you again - they are not done easily, they are not done effortlessly.

Each of the role I perform has its challenges especially cooking! But it is truly only by the grace of God I have been able to juggle and keep these balls up in the air the past few years. So it means that anyone can do it too, IF they rely on God and not on their own strength.

I am not doing this on my own strength or ability. I don’t have that  kind of strength or ability. Ask any of my friends from pre-children days and they’ll tell you that they are very  surprised that I am doing what I am doing today. Or better still, ask my dh. He’ll tell you I am no supermom.

It is an act of God. He calls, He equips.

Many mistakenly believe that only special people can have more than 1 or 2 children. That is not true. He gives you the children, He’ll equip you to raise them. Whether you have one or 18.

But that is not to say that I have not dropped the numerous balls I juggle from time to time. Like I said before, I am a sinful, human child of God, prone to wanting to do things my way, not His and have paid the price for being stubborn and unyielded to His Spirit. And sometimes, I do get tired of it all that I need to do and feel like letting all the balls drop to the ground and just go to sleep!

It ***is*** very hard.

Why? Only because my flesh protests at being asked to deny myself over and over again. The sinful, petulant spirit within me pouts and whines - what about me??? What about my needs, my wants….But life isn’t all about me is it? Well, at least according to the Bible it isn’t. Jesus does talk about denying ourselves, putting others before ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong. we need to take care of ourselves. But deep down I know my problem is selfishness. I don’t feel like thinking of anyone else! I want me to be supreme!

Some may also think that just because I have this website means that I have gotten my act together. Now trust me, you can’t be more wrong about that! God prompted me to start this website to to share what I have learnt after many years of fumbling around. To be an encouragement to moms, especially young moms. But by no means does it imply that I have arrived.

Hey! Sometimes, I don’t even follow the tips and advice I dish out!

And honestly, the more children I have, the more I realise that I don’t know a thing about raising them. They present strange and varied challenges on a daily basis.

There are days when I just cry - literally and to the Lord, that “I can’t do this!” OR “I don’t want to do this anymore!”. Dh has been the recipient of many sms-es that read “I quit! I resign! Let’s stop having children and let’s pack them all off to school!”

A supermom wouldn’t say all these things, would she?

But in the end, I remember the call and the convictions that the Lord has placed on my life, on our lives and I press on. Clinging on to His promises that  

The LORD is my helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:6

and to 

Trust in the LORD with all (my) heart,
And lean not on (my) own understanding;
In all (my) ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct (my) paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

So the next time you see me or refer to me, please do not use the superwoman tag on me It is embarrassing to be called that because I know I am not. Only God deserves the praise and glory over the things He has done in my life.

*** See 10 Myths Debunked!

For more on The Superwoman Myth, check out Jennie Chancey’s article of the same title.

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Check our my blog, Building An Ark in Singapore at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim

People often have certain thoughts going on in their heads when they see our family of 8 or hear that we have 6 children (no, no twins, thank you very much!). Then when they find out that we homeschool, have no maid and that dh is in fulltime ministry, their eyes grow bigger and they start thinking that we must be from some other planet

So I thought I should address these common myths people tend to have of us, just coz we have many children and homeschool and have no live-in maid. In other words, being totally un-Singaporean

To cover them all in one posting would make for a long and dreary reading So I thought I should come up with the top 10 common myths people associate with us and tear them down, point-by-point!

1. I am a Superwoman
2. We are very spiritual
3. I am a very patient mom
4. I am a disciplined/organised person
5. I don’t ever shout at the children
6. We must be very rich
7. Our meals are always balanced and healthy
8. The children never fight with each other
9. Our homeschooled children are geniuses
10. Homeschooling goes on perfectly everyday

If you have more beliefs about us that are not listed here, feel free to add them to the list. Dh says I should write a book!

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Check out my blog, Building An Ark in Singapore at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim

Hi! My name is Serene and I am a computer addict.

Aaarrgghh! It dawned upon me recently that I am actually rather addicted to the computer! And I was addicted, till recently, to coffee and retail therapy as well!

I have realised that for me, my addictions are a form of escapism. When I am stressed, I turn to the computer for relief, instead of the Lord. I tell myself that I am researching for a better curriculum/household appliance/book/toy/
clothes…the list goes on, to help me in my job as a mom. But seriously, am I really doing that? I am actually using that excuse to justify my escape from either the children or work that I am supposed to be doing.

Addictions are a terrible thing to have. As Christians, it is even worse! Addictions mean that we have put something/someone else ABOVE God! And we have therefore violated the first and greatest commandment to ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ Matthew 22:37.

What other addictions can one have?

• Coffee/Tea - the caffeine fix
• Retail Therapy or Shopping
• Food
• TV
• Talking on the telephone
• Going out

…the list goes on. Anyone or anything can be an addiction. Ask yourself, what is the first thing you do or think of doing when you are stressed? That would be your “god”, your addiction. I am not saying that you can’t do anything to de-stress. But you have to be honest with yourself - are you de-stressing or escaping?

What do all these things, I listed above, have in common? Each of them provides instantaneous stress relief but are all temporary and you need it in increasing amounts. Notice how the next time you get stressed, you would need to surf more, shop more, eat more to get the same kind of relief.

So what is a mom to do?

How can we turn away from our addictions? I don’t think there is an easy way at all. We need to go to our source of strength and wisdom and comfort - Jesus. We just have to ask God for help and then discipline ourselves. And, if necessary, get an accountability partner.

Jesus says,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

When we are stressed, we need to stop turning to useless, temporary “gods” for relief. We need to go to God and ask for his help. 

As for me, I have made a resolution to not turn on the computer till I have finished all the work I need to complete each day. Oh Lord, help me!

How about you?

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim

Sometimes I think no one really cares that the floors are squeaky clean or not. And that no one ever thinks HOW their dirty clothers magically re-appear washed and ironed. They only holler for me when they can’t find clean underwear or a paricular outfit they want to wear.

Often times, I have to keep repeating to myself, under my breath, “God sees, God sees.”

I am sure they don’t mean to ignore me or are ungrateful but it just happens, kwim? I guess I should be glad that they look upon me as a dependable source?! I mean, why else would they ask me where their stuff are when they were the ones playing with it the whole day???

Anyhow, I read this posting off Niki’s Blog and I thought it was a great reminder that God truly sees what we do, no matter how small or insignificant we think it is.

Here’s to us, moms. We are building cathedrals! May we all be encouraged and continue pressing on.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? Some days I’m not a pair of hands ; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer,’What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths,after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim for more of my writings & thoughts.

(Second part of Confinement without the Confinement Lady)

So how is one to rest during confinement if one has to look after the baby and the housework and the planning and cooking of meals?

1. Make resting your top priority

When I did my confinement without outside help, I would make REST a priority, especially in the first two weeks. That means that whenever I had a free slot, I would go and lie down. I may or may not nap but I would deliberately go and lie down.

I have learnt that sitting down is not the same as lying down to my body. I learnt this when I had bleeding in my second and third pregnancies. Prior to that, I always thought that sitting down is resting. But I would bleed even though I was not doing any heavy work but just sitting down and surfing the net. But if I lay down even for just 10 to 15 minutes, the bleeding would lessen. Ever since then, I have always made it a point to lie down to rest.

Most times I had to fight the urge to rush and do some cleaning or tidying up of the house. I just forced myself to lie down and rest!

2. Schedule a quiet rest period for everyone in the afternoon

This has been and still is a lifesaver in our house. Starting from 2pm, I start putting the children to nap/rest. The older ones obviously do not nap. But they are required to rest and be quiet. Their rest period is over at 3:30pm. I stagger everyone’s nap/rest time so that the older ones need not rest too long. This also allows the younger ones to nap before the older ones go into the room.

I then try to time the baby’s nap in the same slot. This way, I am usually able to nap for at least 30 minutes in the afternoon. It is a much needed nap due to the interrupted sleep at night.

It also helps that the children all go to rest/nap independently.

3. Teach the children to play independently

On desperately sleepy/tired days, I have been known to tell the children to play by themselves and crash out on the sofa! Those are the times I am so grateful that they are all taught from young to play independently and not to thrash the house when left alone.

This I did even with the first born child. I have to add this in as some people have commented that I am able to do this because I have the older children to watch the younger ones. Yes, now I have the older ones to watch the younger ones but not when I had only 1 child (2 years old) and 1 baby!

Teaching them to play independently should start once you are pregnant to get the children used to it. This way, even before the baby arrives, you are able to rest when you really need it without calling for help.

And of course when dh is home, he takes over so that I can nap as long as I need to.

Getting rest when having confinement without the confinement lady is possible even if this is your 2nd or 3rd birth. Commit it to the Lord and do the practical prepaprations.

Enjoy your baby!

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim for more of my writings and musings.

There was an interesting discussion on an email list I am on which had one poster asking if it were possible to do confinement* without any help. In other words, have confinement without a confinement lady* or maid or relative helping out.

Well, I am one of the few women who survived confinement without a maid or a confinement lady. And if I have to do it all over again, I would still choose to do it the same way!

Why? The main reason being that I like doing things MY way! And I like my privacy. To have someone - relative or not - staying in my house would be a terrible intrusion into my privacy. I won’t be able to rest when I wanted to.

The main point of confinement* is for the new mother to rest and recuperate from the labour and birth of the baby. Depending on the type of labour and birth one had, some women may need a lot more rest than others. (eg. someone who had a c-section will definitely need more rest than another who had a short and easy labour). As another poster said, confinement is not the time you try to prove to others that you are a supermom.

And for me, confinement is also for the baby. I prefer to keep the newborn away from crowds and people for as long as possible. I do not encourage visitors especially in the first 2 weeks after the birth. And even then, no visitors in the evenings when I know I will be physically exhausted.

So how did I survive it all six times?

Firstly, I must say upfront that I do not follow any of the confinement practices* that  most Chinese women believe in. I showered and washed my hair everyday. In fact, I would shower and wash my hair the day after I birthed in the hospital. I also bathed the baby myself. I also do not follow any special confinement diet. So with all that out of the way, I had more freedom to do things that many other women were constrained by.

For me, there were 2 main areas I would like help with post partum - food and housework. 

Food
The thought of having to plan and cook meals with a newborn baby was not something I look forward to. So we planned to order tingkat meals**. However, we were blessed when my mom and mother-in-law offered to help out with the food area. They became our tingkat service! My mother-in-law would drop off lunch and dinner at lunch time and I would re-heat the food when meal times rolled around. Mom was more concerned that my food be freshly cooked so she would drop by and cook and then leave 2x a day!

Housework
I engaged a part time helper to come in once a week after the births of #1, #2, #3 and #6. That allowed me to rest a bit more. But it was still doable without a part time helper. Just that standards of cleanliness and neatness have to be adjusted - downwards!

What about the daily stuff that needs to be done? Knowing that I did not have any extra help (besides dh when he’s home from work and the little ones) these were the things I did.

Pray, pray, pray

Yes, pray. I prayed that the labour and birth process will be smooth, quick and easy. How I felt post partum depended very much on the birth process. If it were traumatic and tiring, I know I’ll have a much tougher time ahead. So I would commit that to the Lord first.

And I prayed for His help in the days to come. Be it physical or emotional help that He would send when I needed it. He has never failed me each and everytime!

Plan, plan, plan

a) Housekeeping
At the 9th month of the pregnancy, I start de-cluttering and packing the house. There will be no time for such activities once the baby arrives. Whatever that needs to be thrown away/put away/donated are sorted out. This makes housekeeping much easier - whether I took on a part time helper or not.

b) Food
A simple menu with its corresponding grocery list is made out so that I need not be racking my brains to figure out what to cook in the last minute or worse - order in every meal! This would be used in the months after the official confinement period was over.

c) Homeschool
We take off for at least the 1st 3 months after baby’s arrival. Before that, I would go to Popular or Christainbook.com and look for activity books/story books/puzzles that can keep the younger ones occupied and not attack each other out of boredom! 

d) Care of the baby and older children
Since I did not believe or follow the confinement practice of not touching water, I was able to care totally for the baby myself. I would bathe the baby and change the baby’s diapers and nurse the baby by myself.

If dh was able to, he would bathe the older ones in the evenings when he came back from work. If he couldn’t due to work or ministry commitments, I would do it.

e) Night feedings
Since I breastfed all of them exclusively (no bottles of expressed breastmilk or formula), I had to do the night feedings. When the baby cried, I would get up and nurse the baby (our babies tend to regurgitate a lot and therefore had to be nursed in a cradle hold), burp them and then put the baby back in his/her cot. If another child woke up in the middle of the night, it would be dh’s duty to tend to that child. It’s called division of labour. Lol!

For babies #1 to #5, dh was hardly around except at night. So I was on my own mostly. With baby #6, I was blessed that he could take almost the whole month off post partum to help out. It did make things easier as I could nap when the baby napped - a luxury that I enjoyed only after baby #1.

In order to make this work, there are two main things that help greatly - my own mindset : that I can do it and training the older child/ren to be helpers.

Was it stressful? Yes, at times. Although I have pared down everything to the bare minimum there were still occasions when I am needed in two or three different places at the same time. Eg. when a toddler has an “accident” while I was nursing the baby or worse, trying to put the baby to bed!

But like I said, if I have to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was nice to be able to be in control of my own home and do things my way. Another bonus was that the older children did not have to adjust to another person’s presence in the house. 

I hope this encourages those of you who are contemplating not engaging a confinement lady to help out. Sometimes, a confinement lady* can be more of a hindrance than a help, especially if you want to succeed in breastfeeding. Many are often ignorant and not supportive of breastfeeding. So if you do choose to employ a confinement lady*, do choose wisely and if she should not work out, do not hesistate to to terminate her services for your peace of mind.

The confinement period is for the new mom to rest and bond with the baby. Anything that causes stress to the mom needs to be eliminated. If you feel the need to have an extra pair of hands, then do seek out the extra help. But if the help creates more stress and work for you, then it is better to do without the “help”.

If you want to know how to be able rest without a Confinement Lady’s or maid’s help, see What About Resting?!

 * Confinement refers to the 30-day period post partum for the Chinese, 44 days for the Malays and 40 days for the Indians. Common confinement practices include not showering or washing of hair unless it is with the use of some special herbs. The new mom is also encouraged not to touch water at all. There is a special diet for the new mom as well. What this diet is is dependent on whether one is Chinese, Indian or Malay. A confinement lady is employed to mother the new mom and baby. She is responsible for cooking the special confinement diet and looks after the baby so that the mom can rest and not need to touch any water.

**Tingkat service allows one to order cooked lunches and/or dinners which are delivered a few hours before meal times. It is delivered Mondays to Fridays. Confinement tingkat service serves up special confinement menu to the post partum mother daily for a maximum of 30 days.

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Check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/MamaLim for more of my writings and musings.

You know that feeling? That down-in-the-dumps, what-am-I-staying-at-home-for feeling? Well, I was feeling down and God sent this article to me by Amy Hollingsworth (reproduced here with permission) to encourage me and which made me smile.

I hope it blesses you too.

When Being a Mom Isn’t Enough
Amy Hollingsworth

I have to say, it took me by surprise. After all, I had ditched the feminist side of me long ago. It was tossed in the same heap where I left my fierce independence, my career ambitions, my single life. Now I had settled down into the oft-challenging, endlessly rewarding life of a wife and mother.

A stay-at-home mom, a Hausfrau, a domestic queen. Okay, I never baked bread or anything like that, but I was pretty darned committed to this motherhood thing. Still am. But out of the smoldering heap where I left my feminism wafted an ember with a little spark left. And the spark whispered, Isn’t there more?

Not that being a mom isn’t fulfilling. That’s not my point. It’s just that in the course of the day everything you do gets undone. You clean the house, it gets messy. You make a meal, it gets eaten. You bathe a child - well, you get my drift. After so much expended energy, you have nothing to show for it at the end of the day. Not like the tangible sense of accomplishment you might get after finishing a report or closing a deal or saying something really smart in a board meeting.

I talked this over with my mother once and she let me in on her secret. At night after my five sisters and I had been bathed and put to bed, my Mom descended to the colorless dungeon we called the basement. There she would work at the sewing machine for whatever hours were left in the evening. Then she would put the little half-stitched dress or blouse or whatever it was on a hanger and carry it to her room, carefully hanging it on the bedroom door. When she awoke in the morning, her eyes would fall upon that little dress and she would say, “Everything I did yesterday was wiped away, but that survived the day.”

She understood the dilemma of motherhood: everyone wants something to show for their day. I love that story, but the truth is, I don’t sew. So I needed to find my own “half-stitched dress.” My hunch is that we all do.

The unscientific poll I’ve conducted among my friends (the thirty-somethings who stay at home with the Barney to Arthur crowd) shows that many of us struggle with depression from time to time. We can say all we want about how “blessed” we are to stay at home and how “rewarding” it is, but haven’t we all struggled at times with those overwhelming feelings of despair? Seems ironic given that we are doing The most important jobs in the world.

Recounting her own struggle, the late Sally Conway offered some compelling reasons why today’s homebodies are down in the dumps. Think about this: If you were able to wash dishes, do laundry, sew clothes, till soil, and change diapers without dishwashers, washers and dryers, sewing machines, lawn mowers, or Pampers, how would you feel about yourself at the end of the day? Pretty good, I bet.

Housewives of olden day did some exhausting work, but they had much to show for it when the sun had set - including a strong sense of identity. Sally Conway’s observation is a valid one: “…while technology has taken away some of the drudgery [of being a housewife], it also has taken away some of the women’s identity.” (Women in Mid-Life Crisis, p. 93.)

If the identity of today’s woman is no longer linked to the starched shirts hanging from the line, where exactly do we find that tangible sense of accomplishment, that thing “that survived the day”? How do we cope on those days when we feel that being a mom isn’t enough? Answers, like sorrows, seem to come in sets of three, so here goes:

1. Be honest. It’s okay to miss the outside world. It’s okay to miss working. Sometimes it just plain felt good to dress up, smell pretty, and talk to people who could speak in complete sentences. If you used to have a full-time job, don’t pretend that staying at home with children is without problems.

Don’t glorify your home life to your working friends: “Today, after Junior built a replica of the Eiffel Tower with Legos, I baked a cherry pie from scratch and then we reenacted our favorite scenes from Little House on the Prairie.” Be serious. Your major accomplishment today was resisting the urge to sell your children to traveling gypsies.

2. Try to view your life as a three-act play. Let’s say Act I covered the first 20 or so years of your life. Right now you’re probably in Act II, those middle years when you add some new players to your drama: a husband, a child, another child, etc. Your stage is a little crowded, you don’t get as many good lines and maybe the wardrobe had to be let out just a bit. But pretty soon this act will be over and much to your dismay, your little actors and actresses will have plays of their own.

Then comes Act III. If you look at your life this way, you’ll realize that 2/3 of it does not include raising children. You had two or so decades before children and you’ll probably have two or more decades after your children leave home.

What’s my point? Enjoy Act II: it goes by faster than you think. And give a little thought to what you may want to do in Act III. Do you have any dreams yet to be played out? Have you always wanted to write a book, scale a mountain, go back to college, fly to the moon, take a nap? That’s the stuff Act III’s are made of. Savor this time with your kids - and continue to invest in your dream, a little at a time. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Find your very own little half-stitched dress. My Mom sewed to give herself a sense of purpose and identity. Then when my baby sister entered kindergarten, my Mom went back to school - as a teacher. She just completed 30 years of a successful and enriching career as an educator. So what do we do with our talents and abilities when we choose not to work outside the home? We continue to cultivate them, in whatever ways possible. We have to find for ourselves what that dress dangling from the bedroom door meant to my mother.

For me it is writing. I can wash dishes, mop floors, even homeschool my children and not feel what I feel when I sit down to write. My main priority is still my children, but little by little I’m working on that dress - stitching together words that at the day’s end will not be erased.

Perhaps for you that dress is something else. Maybe it’s volunteer work or going back to college part time. Maybe it’s taking a computer course (from your three year old). Maybe it’s starting a home business. Whatever it is, the key is to find something that gives you a sense of completion, a feeling of accomplishment apart from the mom-thing. So no matter what gets “undone” in the course of the day, you’ll be able to say one thing with certainty: A part of me survived the day.

©1999, Amy Hollingsworth

Amy Hollingsworth’s toddlers are now teenagers and in their 11th year of homeschooling. Amy’s “little half-stitched dress” has culminated in her first book - The Simple Faith of Mister Rogers - published in 2005. Her second book, Gifts of Passage, is newly released and now available in bookstores and online. You can reach her via her website : www.amyhollingsworth.com.
 

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Remember to check out My Blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/mamalim

Do you ever feel that you are a failure and that everyone else has it all together except you? Happens to me all the time!

Or have you ever visited someone’s website or blog and widen your eyes in amazement at the amount of stuff they have done or are doing with their child? And you, in comparison, have done zilch compared to them? Happens to me all the time - again.

Well, the good news is - you are not alone!

And the better news is - no one really has gotten their act together! Really.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Someone may be totally great in the kitchen, whipping up healthy and delicious meals for her family everyday while another may be great at explaining mathematical concepts to her child/ren.

It is easy to look at someone’s strength, compare it to your own and then feel totally inadequate. It is unwise to do that. I am not saying that we should not strive to better ourselves. But we should stop beating ourselves up over our weak points and instead, focus on the strengths and gifts God has blessed us with and be thankful for them.

God truly made us all different. I see this in my 6 children all the time.

When we look at others and start comparing ourselves to them, we tend to want what they have. The question we then need to ask ourselves is : 

WHY do we want these things.

Is it out of the fear of losing out? Is it to prove something to someone or to yourself? Is it to get affirmation from the people around us?

And what is the price that you are paying to achieve all these things?

Stress and sleepless nights? Fear and worry?

The motivation to do our best should be because it pleases God, not because we want to be as good or better than the next person.

Colossians 3:23 says, “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men”.

And one more thing - be happy for that person who is able to accomplish so much.

Oswald Chambers in Our Utmost For His Highest says, “Drudgery is the test of genuine character. The greatest hindrance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do. Yet, “Jesus…took a towel and…began to wash the disciples’ feet…” (John 13:3-5)

What does this mean?

It means that if we call ourselves Christians, we need to model after Jesus’ example and serve even in the most boring of jobs that we as SAHMs often have to do! And yet we are often looking for grand things to do and look with disdain at the daily mundane, behind-the-scenes things that He has called us to do.

It doesn’t help to hear comments along the lines of “Oh! I could never be like you and just stay at home. I’d be so bored!” Meaning - a SAHM’s life is so very boring, made up of so many mundane things that no self-respecting, smart and well-educated woman would ever want to be in our shoes.

We all know that it is more rewarding to serve out of the home. People will notice us, especially if we are good at what we are doing. We will probably receive praise and maybe even monetary rewards! And so, we often gladly volunteer to help out and serve out of the home.

But ooh! serve at home? No one sees that except the children and dh! And cleaning the house? Changing the baby’s diapers - boring! Anyone can do it! We are meant for greater things! Right???

Our attitude when doing the mundane tells the true story of our walk with God. It shows how much of our old selves is still alive and kicking, not yet crucified to the Cross! It is a good gauge of our spiritual walk.

Are we too grand to serve our dhs a cup of coffee? Hasn’t he got hands? Or to serve our children by wiping up the mess they made in the toilet? I am a graduate, you know?

Our attitude is also seen in the way we execute our chores. Are they well done? Or slip shod? (Read Pride in Our Work? for more on this.)

Jesus took a towel and washed his disciples feet. We know that only lowly servants did that and that’s why Peter protested so vehemently when Jesus wanted to wash his feet.

But Jesus said, “Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. John 13:14 - 16

As SAHMs, it may seem that all we do is serve and do mundane stuff. But this is my challenge to you and to me - Will we serve like Jesus did regardless of the mundane-ness of our chores or esteem ourselves the greater person, too qualified to serve our family?

Wasting our education and talents being stuck at home to perform so-called lowly tasks? Serving only when it serves our needs? Or will we serve even when it is a drudgery?

Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:1

Can we really say that to our children as Paul said to the early Christians? Are we imitating Jesus in our daily life so that our children see what it means to be a Christian on a daily basis, and the practical applications of our faith?

Like it or not, children will copy what we do. They will especially pick up behaviour and speech from those they spend the most time with.

So there are 2 issues at hand :

1. Are we good imitators of Christ? and
2. Who are our children spending most of their time with?

1. Are we good imitators of Christ?

If we are imitators of Christ, we would be manifesting the glory of God in our daily circumstances, not only on “special” occasions. Oswald Chambers in My Utmost For His Highest often reminds us that it is in our daily hum-drum of our lives that the depth (or shallowness?!) of our faith is demonstrated.

Put it this way - Do people know that I am a Christian without me telling them? Does my behaviour show it? My speech? My dressing? My lifestyle? Or do people see a worldly person who just attends church?

We may be able to trick friends and extended family but it is hard to trick the little ones in our home who see us 24/7 in all sorts of circumstances. If we say we trust God but worry about the circumstances we are in, then even if they don’t comprehend everything due to their age, they can sense that we are not fully trusting God. It’s a simple case of just do what I say/teach but not what I do that they always pick up.

If you have both big and little ones at home, you’ll be able to see for yourself the degree of your influence over them, especially in the area of speech. Listen to how your older ones speak to the younger ones and you can “hear” yourself! How embarrassing!

Just a few days ago, I was giving a lecture to my oldest about his slipshod work and then barely a few hours later, I hear him saying exactly the same thing to his younger brother! Made me laugh then but the immense influence I have over my children is a grave matter indeed! Sometimes I have to stop and think, “Is that how I talk to them?!” How not nice!

And almost every other day I see my 2.5yr old toddler going around carrying either a real baby doll or an imaginary baby and the things she says to them are an eye-opener for me. I get to know what she sees when she watches me tend to her baby sister. Just a moment ago she told me, “Shhh! Don’t sing. Baby sleeping!” How I need to model for her a caring and loving mother!

Even how we treat the babies and toddlers have an impact on them. Are we curt and irritated when the baby or toddler interrupts our work or are in need of our attention?

The older ones will model our behaviour towards the baby and toddler. Are we gentle and caring, seeing the baby as a blessing to the family? OR do we see them as little annoyances?

Not only does it colour how they treat the baby they probably would carry this attitude with them when they become parents themselves. Why else does an abused child turn abuser when he has a family of his own? Modelling, of course.

2. Who are our children spending most of their time with?

We may be SAHMs but who are we leaving our children to most of the time? The maid? TV? Grandparents? Some SAHMs have schedules packed to the brim and often leave the children behind with someone else. As an aside, my dh often jokes that these are not stay-at-home-moms since they are not at home!

Or perhaps it is the children who have a packed schedule with numerous enrichment classes to attend to develop their full potential.

Who are these people we are putting our children under? Do they have lifestyles and morals openly against what the Bible teaches? Sure you may explain to them that these are “lost” people and to love the sinner but hate the sin.

But let us be realistic - most young children are not likely to grasp this concept. And older children may not be able to see beyond the fun and exciting persona of this teacher.

I am not saying don’t go out at all or don’t send your child/ren for enrichment class/es but do ask yourself - who does your child spend most of his time with? Is that person/s a godly influence?

Remember - Do not be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits. 1 Corinthians 15:33

Our children will model after the people they spend most of their time with.

May we be able to stand tall and say with Paul to our children, Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:1