Confinement Without a Confinement Lady

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Is it possible to do confinement without a confinement lady?

Yes!

However, two things help to make it easier:

a) your mindset that you CAN do it, and

b) planning ahead which will make everything go a little smoother instead of flying by the seat of your pants.

My Experience

After each of my 7 births, I did my confinement without any confinement lady. And I did not have my mother or mother-in-law staying with us either.

No, I am no superwoman. I just liked doing things MY way. Yeah, a bit of a control freak there. Also, I liked my privacy. I did not relish the thought of having someone – relative or not – staying in my house 24/7.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing handling the confinement period on my own, especially when I had toddlers and older children to handle as well. But it was well worth it as it built my confidence and lessened the stress of having to handle another person in the house or explain why I needed/wanted certain things done or not done.

With each birth, I learnt different things and applied them to the next birth. And I am sharing it here so that if you are thinking of going at it alone, or if you have to do it on your own because you cannot get hold of an experienced confinement lady, you can use what I share here as a start point.

Protect Mom

Have you ever wondered why we need a confinement period with a confinement lady?

Almost all cultures around the world designate a period after birth for the new mother to rest and recuperate from the labour and birth of the baby. Depending on the type of labour and birth one had, some women may need a lot more rest than others. Someone who had a c-section definitely needs more rest than another who had a short and easy labour. Nonetheless, birthing takes a toll on the body. It is physically tiring.

The number of days the confinement period lasts range from 2 weeks to 100 days, depending on the culture one belongs to.

Protect Baby

The confinement period is also for the baby. Babies are born with immature immune systems. keeping the newborn away from crowds and people is a wise move.

Personally, I do not encourage visitors, especially in the first two weeks after birth. And even then, I try not to accept visitors in the evenings as I know I would be physically exhausted. That is also when the baby tends to fuss and be cranky. I also do not allow the baby to be passed around should there be visitors.

How to Do Confinement Without the Confinement Lady

So how did I survive it all seven times?

I must say upfront that I did not follow any of the confinement practices* that most Chinese women practice. Such as the practice of not touching water and only eating confinement food for the whole 30 days of confinement.

Did Not Follow Confinement Practices

This meant that I showered and washed my hair daily. In fact, I showered and washed my hair as soon as possible after delivery. I liked to wash off the sweat and blood of labour.

Also, as I perspired A LOT after giving birth (the body getting rid of the excess water), and have babies who spat up A LOT meant that I felt really grimy at the end of each day.

So a quick shower twice a day is a must! Hats off to those of you who observe the strict 30-day no showering and washing hair practice in this hot and humid weather.

I also did not follow the practice of eating “confinement food” like black vinegar pig trotters. I do, however, believe in eating healthy, nutritious and well-balanced whole foods. So, no instant noodles or bread and spread type of food.

Bear in mind also that I do not live with my parents or my parents-in-law. Nor do I have them over to help me. This meant that I had a lot more freedom to do things my way than someone who has either the mother or mother-in-law hovering over them.

Post-Partum Help

There were 2 main areas I would like help with post-partum – meals and housework.

1) Food

The thought of having to plan and cook meals with a newborn baby was not something I looked forward to. Actually, I don’t look forward to planning and cooking meals at any time!

So, we planned to order tingkat meals**. However, we were blessed when my mother and mother-in-law offered to help out in the food area. They became our food catering service.

My mother-in-law would drop off lunch and dinner at lunchtime (I had to settle my own breakfast). I would heat up the food when mealtimes rolled around. This way I could eat whenever it was convenient.

Mom, however, was more concerned that my food be freshly cooked so for the first 2 weeks, she would drop by in the morning, cook breakfast and lunch, leave, and then return to cook dinner. But she could not sustain this gruelling routine. After the first 2 weeks, she would only drop by once a day and prep all 3 meals at one go.

2) Housework

I engaged a part-time helper to come in once a week after the births of #1, #2, #3 and #6. That allowed me to rest a bit more. But it is doable without a part-time helper if your husband is able to help out. Just bear in mind that standards of cleanliness and neatness have to be adjusted – downwards.

Daily Nitty-gritties

What about the daily stuff that needs to be done? Knowing that I did not have any extra help (besides my husband when he returned from work) I had to be very productive and efficient with the pocket of times I had when the baby was napping or happy to lie quietly by himself.

But First, Prayer!

Firstly, I prayed that the labour and birth process will be smooth, quick and easy. I knew that how I felt post-partum depended very much on the birth process. If it were traumatic and tiring, I know I’ll have a much tougher time ahead. So I would commit that to the Lord first.

Secondly, I prayed for quick healing from birth. With my first four births, I needed it more than the last 3 because my previous doctor insisted on performing episiotomies.

And thirdly, I prayed for His help in the days to come. That He would send either physical or emotional help when I needed it. And He has never failed me each and every time.

Plan, Plan, Plan

Then … everything that could be planned, was planned!

a) Housekeeping

At the 9th month mark of the pregnancy, I start de-cluttering and packing the house. I made use of the nesting instinct that most pregnant women experience in pregnancy to declutter and re-organise the house.

There will be no time for such activities once the baby arrives. Whatever that needs to be thrown away/put away/donated are sorted. This makes housekeeping much easier – whether I take on a part-time helper or not.

b) Food

At one point with my seventh pregnancy, neither my mother or mother-in-law were able to help out. So I came up with a basic (repetitive) and simple menu plan with its corresponding grocery list. This removed the need to rack my brains to figure out what to cook daily or worse, end up ordering in every meal.

With the grocery list, I could hand it over to my husband so that he could buy back groceries on his way back from work. This removed the need for me to leave the house with a newborn.

The plan was to portion and pack raw food with its marinade in freezer-safe containers. Then, we would pull them out the night before and cook them in the morning in the crockpot or bake it in the oven.

This would save lots of time spent food prepping.

In the end, God provided. 7 ladies from our then-church offered to cook for us. Each lady would be responsible for one day’s meal. This lessened the load on everyone. Such a huge, huge blessing! Very grateful for them all.

c) Homeschool

We take off for at least the first three months after baby’s arrival. Before that, I would go to Popular and look for activity books/story books/puzzles that can keep the younger ones occupied and not attack each other out of boredom.

d) Care of the Baby and Older Children

Since I did not follow the confinement practice of not touching water, I was able to fully care for the baby, including bathing the baby and changing her diapers.

If my husband was able to, he would bathe the older ones in the evenings when he comes back from work. If he couldn’t, due to work or ministry commitments, I would do it. I just try to keep to a routine as much as possible.

e) Night Feedings

Since I breastfed all of them exclusively (no bottles of expressed breastmilk or formula), I had to do the night feeds. When the baby cried, I would get up and nurse the baby (our babies tend to regurgitate a lot and therefore had to be nursed in a cradle hold), burp them, and then put the baby back into his/her cot. If another child woke up in the middle of the night, it would be my husband’s duty to tend to that child. It’s called division of labour. Lol!

For the first five babies, my husband was hardly around, except at night. So I was on my own mostly. With baby #6, I was blessed that he could take almost the whole month off post-partum to help out. Such a blessing!

It made things a lot easier on me since I could nap when the baby napped – a luxury that I enjoyed only with my oldest.

Train Your Mind and Your Older Children

In order to make this work, there are two main things that helped me greatly – my own mindset – that I CAN do it – and training my older child/ren to be helpers

Was it stressful?  At times, YES!

But I train my mind not to go there. You could just sit, brood and feel lonely and abandoned with a crying baby. Or, you could trust the Lord and take it one hour at a time.

And bear in mind that despite all the planning and gung-ho attitude, there will be times when you are shouting or crying as much as the children. Give yourself some grace.

You Can Do This!

I hope this post encourages anyone who is contemplating not engaging a confinement lady to help out.

Sometimes, a confinement lady can be more of a hindrance than a help, especially if you want to succeed in breastfeeding. Many are often ignorant and not supportive of breastfeeding. So if you do choose to employ a confinement lady, choose wisely, and if she should not work out, do not hesitate to terminate her services for your own peace of mind.

Remember, the confinement period is for the new mom to rest and bond with the baby. Anything that stresses mom needs to be eliminated or reduced.

If you feel the need to have an extra pair of hands, then please seek out the extra help. Don’t feel guilty. But if the help creates more stress and work for you, then it is better to do without the “help”.

Related Posts:

What About Resting?!
Preparing for Baby’s Arrival – the Home Edition
Preparing for Baby’s Arrival – the Hospital Edition

* Confinement refers to the period post-partum. For the Chinese, it is 30 days, 44 for the Malays and 40 for the Indians. Common Chinese confinement practices include no showering or washing of hair unless it is with the use of some special herbs. The new mom is also encouraged not to touch water at all. There is a special confinement diet for the new mom as well.

A confinement lady is often employed to mother the new mom and baby. She would be responsible for cooking the special confinement meals and looks after the baby so that the mom can focus on resting.

**Tingkat service is a catered food delivery service which allows one to order cooked lunches and/or dinners which are delivered a few hours before meal times. It is delivered Mondays to Fridays. Confinement tingkat service works the same way except that it serves up special confinement menu.

*** Post Updated July 2017 ***

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