We often hear about sibling rivalry and how to prevent it. But we almost never hear of sibling closeness and how to encourage it. It is as though preventing rivalry will cause the siblings to be close with another. Oh this is so not true! I am testimony of it. I don’t have any sibling rivalry with my brother but I am not close to him either!
Preventing sibling rivalry ≠ sibling closeness
When you just work on preventing sibling rivalry but not encourage sibling closeness, the siblings will just learn not to antagonise each other and to get out of each other’s way. I don’t think that is what any parent wants. I certainly don’t! I want my children to see each other as each other’s best friend, if possible.
So how does one encourage closeness then? Besides praying, as one friend said. Here are some practical tips to help you get started.
Build relationship from Day 1
Yes, from Day 1 when the older one visits mummy in the hospital you start building their relationship with each other. I have said over and over again : at the hospital, do not push the newborn baby aside just because the older one is here to visit mummy. Yes, the baby’s needs at that point in time can be met by anyone but getting the older sibling used to even waiting a little while teaches him that the baby is part of the family.
Things are not the same
I know of many who like to take time off with the older one without the baby to recreate past memories of what they used to do before baby comes. In my opinion, this is a bad idea. There is just no way you can recreate that and you shouldn’t. Baby is here. Baby is part of the family. Things are never going to be the same. Work around the baby instead. Teach your older one to defer to the needs of the younger, weaker one. The faster everyone gets used to the baby’s presence and needs, the faster routine sets in, the more secure the older one feels.
Make time for the older one by all means but do not make him feel resentful that he has to give up certain things because of the baby. Explain to him that he is the older child with many privileges that baby cannot enjoy.
Encourage interactions
Whenever the baby responds to the older child, make a big deal out of it. It makes the older one feel special, especially if they are able to make the baby laugh and we can’t. Babies are naturally curious, so make use of the times when he is looking at the older child to highlight to him that the baby is very attracted to what he is doing. That makes him feel really important!
Spend time together
Yes, even fighting, squabbling siblings. How else will they learn to get along unless they are constantly together? I know it always easier to separate them when they are fighting. And that’s what we do too. They need to cool down. But after they cool down, they need to make amends and play with each other again. Otherwise, there is a false sense of peace and harmony.
My own experience bear this out. When I had #3, he and #2 used to quibble A LOT! So in desperation (that was the official reason I gave but the truth was that I was lazy!!) I sent #2 off to nursery school for 3 hours, Mondays to Fridays. Ahhh!!! Peace in the house at last – well, at least for that 3 hours!
Shortly after that, we took both #1 and #2 out of school to homeschool them. Guess what? Almost immediately, #2 and #3 went straight back to fighting and quibbling!
Teach them to play together
I did not teach them to deal with each other, Instead, I sent one away thinking the problem will go away. Nope! It didn’t. I merely delayed dealing with it. But after about 1 year of being home, they finally have a better relationship. And 2 years later, they play very nicely together.
Children need to learn how to play with each other. The more time they spend with each other without interfering adults around, the better they will play with each other. Soon, they will even prefer each other’s company. Better still is if mom is not always able to play with them. Then if they want to play, they will have to play with each other.
Nip meanness in the bud
No meanness allowed. Do not let any meanness pass. This can be in the form of physical meanness- hitting/pinching/biting, or emotional meanness – name calling/refusing to cooperate/tattling. You need to deal with it immediately. And if the baby is really young, make sure he is never alone with the older one until the older one can be trusted not to physically harm the baby. This may take months or years but the need for constant supervising will slowly decrease.
Play around the baby
Teach the older child to play AROUND the baby. Once baby starts to crawl, the baby is suddenly not cute to the older child anymore. The cute lil baby is into everything! The older one will be frustrated to find his building creations or even books destroyed by the baby’s curiosity. This is the time you have to teach the baby self-control. Yes, a baby can learn self-control. But meanwhile, until he learns it, you will have to be there, constantly removing baby from tempting situations.
When baby is older (about 12 months) and your training starts showing fruit, you need to “release” the baby. Meaning, you don’t need to remove the baby to another place/room when the older sibling is playing. Teach the older one how to play with the baby while continuing with his own play.
For example. give baby a few pieces of blocks to build while the older one builds his own block towers. Teach him the concept of exchanging toys with the baby should he need that particular toy the baby is hanging on to for dear life.
Yes, it can be frustrating for the older child but you are teaching him to learn to think beyond himself and he also learns to see what the baby likes. This encourages a closeness that cannot happen if you keep on keeping them apart.
Let them settle their own squabbles
When they are older (realistically, about 6years old, do not mediate for them on small matters. Let them learn to settle it themselves. But do listen in to “check” on how they do it. Sometimes, you hear very interesting deals! But always tell them that if they can’t settle it, to go to you and not to end up hitting/crying/sulking.
These are what we do every time we add a new baby into our household. May it help spark some of your own ideas on how to encourage your children to be each other’s best friends. Don’t just prevent sibling rivalry, encourage closeness instead.
And remember – start praying for good, solid sibling relationship the moment you conceive the baby!