Do you shout in your home? I don’t mean the shouting that happens when someone is going to fall off the sofa or spill soup on freshly cleaned floor. I mean the shouting that happens when disobedient children come into the picture.In our house, we do. Or rather, I do. Why does it happen? This usually happens when I let things slide. Yes, shouting is not caused by the children. It is caused by the parents. Do I hear howls of protest? Lol! Why do I say that, since it totally incriminates me?
If we have trained our children to first-time obedience consistently, we will eliminate much reason for shouting. What is first-time obedience? Simple – when I give an instruction, it is to be obeyed immediately. I do not have to say it again and again and again. Ask yourself (and myself) why do we shout? We shout because our instructions are not being obeyed and we get irritated or frustrated.
Eg. Scenario A : “Pack up your toys when you are done playing with them.” Child packs them all up. There is no need to shout. Life is pleasant.
Scenario B : same instruction is given. Child ignores instruction. Mother repeats instruction with voice slightly raised. Child continues to ignore and may even walk away from the toy area. Mother now gets agitated. Tone changes. Voice gets louder. Finally she yells. Child then obeys and packs up the toys. Mother is upset and child is unhappy at being shouted. The home setting is not peaceful.
What is happening? Mother has allowed shouting to be a method of gettting the child to obey. This then becomes a habit in this household. The child learns Hmmm…I can just ignore mum till I hear her shout. Then I know she means business.
What should be happening? Once instruction is not obeyed, the child must be disciplined immediately. He will quickly learn that first-time obedience is required of him. There is now no need to shout
Can this really happen? YES!!! So why have I gone back to shouting? Simple. I have become lazy!!! Instead of disciplining immediately when the child does not exhibit first-time obedience, I had chosen to use my voice. I had chosen to repeat my instructions when it wasn’t necessary. When the child did not obey, I had chosen the easy way out by shouting at him. And then to top it off, I blamed him for making me shout at him!
What needs to be done now? I need to go and remind the children that I expect first-time obedience and they will be disciplined accordingly when they do not obey. And I need to be consistent!
Now to go and walk the talk, eh?
9 Comments on I Need To Stop Shouting
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“They will be disciplined accordingly”, so you talk to them first or spank them immediately if they refuse to listen to u ? Am I right to say:
1) instruction given
2) child ignore
3) spank
My child is wilful at 4 yrs old, my fault and I am determine to change this .
The rules need to be laid down BEFORE you spank, ok?
Eg. He touches the tv set. You tell him that he cannot touch it. He touches it, you spank.
You CANNOT spank for something you haven’t given an instruction for.
And you must be CONSISTENT. If can’t be spnak today but the next day you let it slide when he plays with the tv.
AND one more – keep to the basic stuff first. Dont’ start introducing a multitude of rules when he’s had none before, ok?
And pray for wisdom!
Serene
how do u find the time to discipline immediately if the kid(s) do not exhibit first time obedience when u have so many other kids to manage? (eg you’re managing the twin babies – who like to climb out of their high chairs halfway thru feeding and then the other 2 older ones r having a whale of a time throwing themselves n jumping on the sofa or running around the house??? i can’t leave the babies and tend to the older boys all at one time so i’d raise my voice if i gotta repeat myself many times (i have 4 and i struggle a lot… with shouting… feels terrible when i do that)
pick one battle at a time. in the scenario you outlined, i would call the older ones to me 1st. tell them that they would hv to sit at your feet unless they are able to behave themselves.
the twins also need to be disciplined.
basically at this age. your word is law. they just obey or face consequences. if hv to interrupt feeding, then so be it or they’ll learn that they can fool around when you are bz.
once they hv shown themselves responsible, you can allow them to negotiate – respectfully.
hth. if not write again. take care 🙂
I have a 5 yr old boy. Most of the time he is a darling. I work from home and he stays very well behaved though out the time I have a client. But other times I’m losing it. I used to be such a calm person. He’s answering back saying rood words (idiot, bloody and stupid) he got them from school. We don’t use these words at home. For e.g. today after school I told him if he would like we could go to the beach and play on the sand and visit my mother after. He was delighted. I told him great first things first you need to change and eat. He wanted to go to the beach with his uniform and without eating. I told him until you change we’re not going anywhere. Over an hr later he is still crying and still not changed. I’ve already told him for being so rood and banging the door and talking to me the way he did I’m not talking him. And I really won’t. (I controlled myself and did not even raise my voice once or smack him (I get very stressed when I shout/smack him so I’m trying hard not to) you said that they should obey immediately but I don’t’ want to smack him. So I’ve started giving him time out in his room that is making things hard for me as he’s started to bang the bedroom door! I wish I had a little help controlling him.
I like the name of this site!
I have been struggling with this issue for years. I have 3 boys, now ages 13, 11 and 9. Since they were 2 to 3 years old I have shouted at them. I feel horrible, am horrified at the mother I have become and then start the whole shouting routine all over again (almost daily). I bounce from one child to the other as it seems they’re always either asking/requiring my attention or are arguing with one another, and the room temperature soars and I explode.
My oldest is the best behaved, always trying to please and apologizing for when he’s misbehaved. My second is a very bright, kind hearted boy but often causes trouble and is extemely authoritative. My third son is a sweet charmer, has a quick temper, holds his ground reasonably well with his middle brother but has poor listening skills and lacks self confidence.
I feel that apologizing over and over for my behavior seems silly and will appear insincere as essentially it’s making excuses for my bad behavior that I can’t seem to control and that is just repeated despite my resolutions. It’s like a man that beats his wife. Saying your sorry doesn’t justify or excuse what he has done. What does my apologizing for my shouting say to them?
I work full time but when I didn’t work (for 5 years) it was the same if not worse since I was also frustrated I wasn’t working.
I go from nice, ambitious/attentive, affectionate mom to crazy, yelling, red in the face, irrational mother. It is pathetic, I feel guilty and realize how I am certainly damaging my kids – the exact opposite of what I aim for.
I’ve told my boys I expect listening the first time and have tried punishing, rewarding of all kinds. It is exhausting. I do, however, notice that when one of the boys goes to a friend’s house that everything is much more manageable…or perhaps that’s just a temporary illusion that could change if it were a daily setting.
I am very blessed and just want to do a good job with my children but often feel like a failure, or at least partially, as my good efforts seem so shaded by all the shouting.
I notice that much of my bad characteristics – impatience, short temper, authoritativeness has been immitated making things worse. On a more positive note, my boys are also loving and good-hearted, as I am – however, I feel my inconsistent behavior appears crazy and is very damaging.
Do you have any ideas to help build me up?
Thanks!
I think people like us tend to act before we think 🙁
There’s no other way except to keep committing this issue to the Lord. We can’t do this on our own. We need to do what’s necessary – train the children to obedience. And when they disobey we need to implement the consequence immediately so that we do not have to yell.
We also need to stop viewing the children as interrupting us. Teri Maxwell of Titus2.com mentioned before that we tend to shout more when the children interrupt what we are doing – which is actually our selfish nature rearing its ugly head 🙁
Also physically you may wish to take some EPO (evening primrose oil). It has helped me.
Hope this helps. Do know that you are definitely not alone in this!
not alone… not alone… like what serene said, we just gotta keep committing this issue to the Lord to help us out… one day at at time…
I also shout a lot to my kids, I think Im emotionally abusing them, Im a horrible mom.