Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, KJV)
I have been thinking about this for a while especially in light of ladies who move in with their in-laws after marriage. I am thinking – how does leaving and cleaving work out in situations like that?
I guess the most important thing would be the setting of very, very clear boundaries. The parents (or parents in law) need to let go while the husband need to take a stand and be his wife’s (and children’s ) head and leader. Grandpa is not the head of the new family unit.
Well, I think it is hard! Especially in our Asian context. 🙁
So if there is one piece of advice I would give to couples looking to walk down the aisle, it would be this : stay on your own. No matter how tiny the flat is, even if you have to rent, do it! Unless you can be very sure that the parents you are moving in with is mature. Even then, know that the dynamics will change once children make their entrance into your family.
I have been listening to many, many stories, from many different people and the story is always the same – relationship with in-laws were great till the grandbabies come along.
Somehow our parents morph into something totally different when the grandchildren come along. 🙂 They often forget how strict they were with us when we were children and suddenly everything that we were not allowed to do is now permissable for the grandchildren to do! And they are always commenting (complaining?) that we are too strict on the children.
And so, the tension rises. The child who senses the tension often acts up, making a tense situation even more tense. Grandparents don’t get to enjoy their grandchildren while parents are always on tenderhooks wondering when their authority is about to be usurped.
I know, sometimes there is no choice and one would then have to make the best out of that situation. It is then crucial that the husband and wife is on the same team.
If the Lord allows me to see my children to marry and have children, I would certainly encourage them to stay on their own. 🙂
6 Comments on Leave and cleave
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I was thinking with 7 kids and if each one of them gets married, you will have a really big family during reunion dinners even before the grandchildren come along! lol 🙂
agreed!! unfortunately many choose to stay with their parents out of convenience ie, no need to cook, free childcare etc.
if i were you, i would encourage my kids to stay on their own too – don’t want to be cooking for 14!! =p
I don’t mind cooking as long as I do not have a baby or toddler clinging to my legs. 🙂 And if I just had to cook only (ie not multi-tasking) I am sure cooking can be enjoyable.
Serene, there is no way in Singapore where the patriarch would abdicate his throne just because their children is staying with them! Maturity has nothing to do with it. Underlying is a problem of authority and control. And what about those where there is only one remaining parent left? I know of friends who are stuck in that predicament. It is a tough call.
Sherrie
That’s why I wrote that sometimes it is not possible to not share a home with our parents/parents-in-law. That’s when boundaries have to be vey clearly drawn. Where the man has to be the leader and protect his wife and children. That is not easy!
And when the parents get old, it would not be appropriate for them to live on their own especially if they are not so indepedent or mobile. Well, my mom lives on her own, but v lonely lah. But she’s not so deaf, and she can read signs, use the telephone and can get around, unlike my MIL who *curses* that there are no directional signs in Chinese.
Yeah, it’s best to live on your own. You have it Serene! At least you have the chance to have your own house to yourself and be the head of your own family & household. I envy that.