In this blog I have written much about pregnancy and labour and all that goes with it. But I have yet to touch on miscarriage. Something that almost never gets talked about.
Taboo topic?
Is it because we live in an Asian culture where death is taboo to discuss? Or is it because most of us don’t know how to respond when someone says, “I am having a miscarriage.” Or “I have miscarried my baby.” Commonly heard responses include phrases like, “It’s for the best.” “You are still young.” “You already have 1/2/10 children”. “You can try again.”
If you’re ever confronted with news that someone has miscarried, can I please request that you do not ever say those phrases? It is truly better to just say, “I am sorry!” or give a hug. Those phrases are not helpful at all.
Miscarriage hurts
No matter at which stage a miscarriage happens, such phrases have never helped anyone. The point is – a miscarriage hurts, especially for the woman. Whether you have been trying for years to have a baby or it wasn’t a planned pregnancy, it hurts. Yes, some may feel relieved but still there is grief, not immediately but down the road. And for these, they would then have to deal with the feeling of guilt on top of their grief.
You don’t have to have a D & C
Physically, what does one feel? Does one need to have a D & C? Can one miscarry naturally? Should one try to miscarry naturally? How long would the whole process take?
A friend of mine who’d struggled with many miscarriages took her grief and used it to help other women going through the same issues.
If you are going through a miscarriage yourself or if you know someone who’s going through it, do read through this short but informative pamphlet.
They are still my babies
Have I had a miscarriage? I have had 3. Yes, 3. One in 2007 and 2 in 2012. All were 1st trimester miscarriages. It didn’t matter that I did not feel the baby’s kicks or that I couldn’t see the baby’s face. He/she is still my baby. Because I got pregnant shortly after my 1st miscarriage, I did not grieve as hard as I did the last 2.
With the last one, I was prepared by God. And yet when it came to pass, I still had to come to terms with it and am still coming to terms with it.
The 1st and the 3rd were natural miscarriages, meaning the baby passed out without any surgical procedures. However, with the 2nd, I needed a D & C. There was some retained tissue that was left behind. I suppose I could have waited for it to pass but I chose not do. It is hard enough to deal with grief without dealing with the on-off spotting plus the hormonal fluctuations that go with it.
God is still in control
And with the 1st and 3rd, they both happened a few days before Christmas. It was hard. And yet, I know God is in control. He was with me. With the 2nd, I had my D & C on Valentine’s Day.
What happens now? I don’t know. I don’t know if this is how my fertile years will end. But God does. And please do not say stuff like, “Oh you’ll have one more!” Or, “You never know!”. Yes, I’ll never know but I do not need to get pregnant to know that God knows. I am happy with the 7 blessings this side of heaven. I’ll get to see the rest when Jesus comes for me.
- Since this post was written in 2013, I have had another miscarriage in early 2014. It was yet another early miscarriage and the Lord was merciful in allowing it to be very early and quick.
4 Comments on Miscarriage
Leave a Reply
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I’m truly sorry to hear this. Every life is purposeful and precious. May the Lord bless and heal you strongly.
Saying “you can have other children” and the like, implies to the mother that the lost child was not a person but an object which have no worth or value but can be easily discarded anytime. That was what bugged me. I lost #1 and #3 very early, and almost lost #2 too, but they were as real as my #2 who is with me now. I never called them “it” because I knew all my children from the womb. If you ask God, He does reveal their personalities, character and interaction in the spirit is so real and possible through the mother and child soul-tie. Most people do not understand that. The most hurtful I had was someone telling me “I told you not to exercise!”; it implied and reinforced an inner fear that I somehow contributed to killing my child. Then when I was contemplating a D&C after #1 heartbeat stopped, a close friend asked me “have you aborted it?”. Those knives went straight to the core. LOL. I had to go for inner healing to get that sorted out. And guess what God said. He said, they are mine; you couldn’t kill them if you tried :D. Our God is good.
Sorry you had to endure such comments. No one said that to me because not many knew that I had miscarried till now. And you don’t really want to know what my mom said to me!
But I feel that the story needs to be told because there are many women who have suffered but choose not to say anything and continue hurting inside.
From the responses I have received, I am glad I responded to the Lord’s prompting to write it out.
Is.65:17, 19b, 20: [God said] “Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. … [T]he sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days…”
I had a miscarriage in 2008, in the first trimester. One of the most insensitive things that people felt it necessary to share was that the chance of miscarriage was why they waited until after the 3 month mark of pregnancy before they made an announcement. That should never be said; furthermore, I was glad that my husband and i did not have the bear the loss alone and that we had family and friend love and support.
I scrapbooked about the whole experience and wrote as though I was writing to our baby; 2 years after we planted a lilac tree in honor of child that wasn’t born. I have read ‘Heaven is for Real’ (Burpo) and found comfort in that too (a good read).
Blessings