Stop Going On Mommy Guilt Trips

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Mommy Guilt Trips

These are trips no mother likes to go on but often finds herself there.

I think we mothers must have been given free tickets to go on mommy guilt trips the moment a life is conceived in us. When we actually utilise the tickets to go on this trip varies, of course. But eventually, all of us go on it, whether we want to or not.

We need to stop and get off the train (or plane) that keeps bringing on these guilt trips.

Not enough

We all start out with the best of intentions the moment we discover that we are pregnant. Hence many women stop drinking coffee or eating sashimi the day 2 lines appear on the pregnancy test kit.

But…somewhere along the journey, we get the feeling that we just aren’t enough.

Not good enough, not clever enough, not organised enough, not holy enough, not providing enough,
not fun enough, not creative enough… the list goes on.

We just feel that we are failing our children in so many ways. That surely, we must be messing up our children’s lives.

For some of us, we get on the mommy guilt trip on Day 1 when we did not get the birth we wanted or failed at breastfeeding. Feelings of doubt and insecurity flood our exhausted minds and bodies and refuse to leave. Others go further along the mothering journey before going on these mommy guilt trips.

Guilt Over Getting Angry With a Baby

When the children were small, I have lost my temper at babies who sleep only when carried and only for half an hour stretches. It was super frustrating because it meant that I couldn’t do what needed to be done, including taking a much needed nap. Then, I would feel guilty for getting angry at them.

Guilt Over Yelling at the Children

Who hasn’t ever shouted or screamed at their children? And in the process, used words you swore you’d never use? Yep, right there with you.

The good news for you mothers deep in the exhausting boundary-testing toddler and pre-school ages is that the screaming will decrease. But it still feels awful when you remember what you said or screamed in anger and frustration.

Once, the Lord brought to mind my ridiculous screaming at my oldest who spilt his bowl of soup while trying to help his younger siblings. As the scene played in my mind, I felt really awful so I asked him if he remembered it. By the grace of God, (or he is in denial!) he said he does not remember it at all. Nonetheless, I apologised.

Guilt Over Not Doing Enough

I have heard of mothers worrying that their toddlers don’t know how to identify colours and the letters of the alphabet, but while younger toddlers can. I must confess that for a very short period of time, I, too, felt guilty for not flashing those Glenn Doman cards at my babies. Thankfully, I got off that guilt trip real fast.

Then, as our children enter their primary school years, we feel guilty for not pushing them harder to reach their potential while others feel guilty for pushing their children too hard, leading to them cutting themselves or sinking into depression.

Guilt Over Passing On Unhealthy Genes

This is a biggie for those of us with children who have health issues. We beat ourselves up for not taking better care of ourselves while pregnant and/or feel guilty that we passed our “inferior” and “defective” genes to our children.

I belong to a Facebook Eczema group where many mothers feel guilty that they passed the “eczema gene” to their children. And then they feel guilty that they can’t afford the super expensive treatments to help them. Someone I know feels guilty for passing her bad teeth and poor eyesight to her son.

Guilt Over Being a SAHM or a WOHM

As a stay-at-home-mother, one can be made to feel guilty for wasting one’s education and placing the burden of bringing home the bacon all on the “poor” husband.

You keep wondering if you should return to the workforce to help with the family finances so that you can afford to go on more holidays, buy a bigger house, send your children to more enrichment classes so that they can “reach their potential”.

As a working mother, you struggle with different issues. You wonder if you are scarring your child/ren for life by leaving them with strangers for 8 – 12 hours each day, and missing out on their developmental milestones. And as they grow up, you feel guilty that they have become latchkey children who have to warm up their own lunches or eat fast food because you are working.

Guilt Over Choosing to Homeschool

And if you have chosen to homeschool, I can almost guarantee that you have felt guilty that you are shortchanging your children by not sending them to school. Especially when you hear of the opportunities your friend’s public school child gets to participate in at school, all paid for, or heavily subsidised by your tax money.

From time to time, you will also feel guilty that you are giving them an inferior education because as the voices around you keep telling you, “You can’t obviously teach all the subjects since you are not trained.”

I know I feel guilty for not having the energy – physical and creative – to make school fun and join the many co-ops that have sprung up in the last few years.

Just Stop

You need to get off that train (or plane!) taking you on that mommy guilt trip.

The fact of the matter is that mothering is hard. Dealing with sinful creatures is hard. Being a sinful creature dealing with fellow sinful creatures makes it even harder. And so, it is easy to feel guilty over our imperfect ways of mothering. Things just don’t turn out the way we planned. Life happens. So many things make us feel guilty, that we aren’t good enough.

Instead of wallowing in our misery, we should take heed of the saying:

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Instead of feeling guilty, learn to celebrate the small wins instead.

Easier said than done

Yes, it is easier said than done.

But moping over your situation, envying other people who have it easier (or so you think), grumbling, and being angr, are not helpful at all. Instead, they serve to make you feel more insecure and possibly, bitter.

So, let us all stop going on mommy guilt trips. However, we have to intentionally get off them and not get back on them.

Go to the Lord

Instead, go to the Lord in prayer. Pour out your woes to Him. Ask for revelation to identify the root cause of these feelings of guilt. And ask for wisdom to know how to make your situation work for you. God will make up for our shortfall.

And, do talk to your husband about how you feel. You may find that a lot of pressure and guilt you heap on yourself are totally unneeded and unnecessary.

Remember, His Grace is All.You.Need.

One more thing:

God did not make a mistake when He gave your children to you.

God doesn’t make mistakes. And He loves you and your children more than anyone else.

So, no more guilt trips, mommies!

PS: And the “Should I stay at home or should I go out and work?” question should be rephrased to “What is God calling me to do? And can I fulfil it better as a stay at home mother or as a work out of home mother?”

Related Posts

Mom Guilt: Yeah, I’m Over It. (Mostly)
Motherhood is Hard, So Lean In To God In Prayer
SAHM = Brain Dead Mom?!
Why I Chose to Stay At Home

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