Never Have Children

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This is Part 4 of My 4 Nevers 5-part series where I share my testimony of how God changed my perspective and mindset on so many things.

Part One: My 4 Nevers (Introductory Post)
Part Two: Never Get Married
Part 3: Never Be A Stay-At-Home-Mother (aka Housewife)

I never wanted any children. But God has a sense of humour as you would have found out as you read through the other parts of this series. For someone who did not want any children, He gave seven.

He blessed Henson and me with seven living children in 11 years. Plus the 4 who are in Heaven already.

While we were dating and even after Henson proposed, we did not discuss the issue of children. He did not mind having or not having children either way. I just did not want any. Period.

But God changed both our minds and hearts. Mine, especially. And as we walked the walk of faith, you can see that He changed our hearts and mind rather drastically. We ended up trusting Him with both the size and spacing of our family after the birth of our second child.

Why So Many Children?

How did God change my mind? I explained this in greater detail in my post, Why So Many Children? It was originally written in 2006 and was updated in 2017.

God did not just change my mind, but He changed my heart when He challenged me to walk my faith talk. Do I mean what I say when I say that I trust Him or not? With each child that He blesses us with, my trust and faith in Him has grown. Because we can all see how He has provided in every way. Sure, Hard Work still needs to be done but He is faithfully walking with us.

It Was Crazy

The babies came one after another. They average a year and a half apart in age except for child 3 and 4. They are 16 months apart. Those were crazy days. Honestly, I do not remember much of them except that there was always crying – either by the children or by me.

Going out was a massive operation. Everything required planning and I ran a very tight ship so that I would not go mad (or madder). Almost nothing was spontaneous.

Today, they range in age from almost 21 to 10 years old. No more babies. No more toddlers. Everyone is independent. Everyone goes potty on their own and puts on their own shoes. They even help to cook and clean. Imagine that!

Indeed the days are long but the years are short. Hard to believe when one is in the trenches surviving on little sleep. Mothers in the trenches, hang in there! Because there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

Liabilities or Blessings?

In our modern society, children are often seen as liabilities and not blessings. They hold us back, hinder our career paths and tire us out. In the Bible, we read of Sarah and Rachel going to great lengths to be a mother (imagine getting your husband to impregnate another woman just so you can have a child, and we are not talking IVF here, mind you!). But women nowadays willingly go under the knife or manipulate their hormones to make sure conception does not happen.

How far we have veered off course.

Even in Christian circles.

And I am not even talking about having many children. Many don’t even want one. They rather have dogs.

Lip Service

Sure, we pay lip service and say that children are God’s gifts but the truth comes out when we say NO to God when He wants to bless us with a child or more. We call children conceived out of our grand life plan “accidents”. How would you like to be called an “accident”?!

But you know what? I totally get it. Because I once had the same mindset. This change of heart? It was God all over again.

In Why So Many Children, I share how God challenged me by asking questions along the lines of,

Do you really trust Me? In every area of your life? Or only in the areas that you are willing to surrender? Do you mean what you say when you say that I am your Lord and King?

Ouch.

For me, there was only one reason why I was saying no – self-centredness and selfishness. Having more than two children would inconvenience me even more than what I was already dealing with.

Children are hard work. Having more babies meant that I would have to postpone many of my dreams. The more children we have, the longer I have to postpone those dreams. – from Why So Many Children?

Choosing to trust God with our family size – to have as many as He chooses to give, to trust even in the spacing of the children are not decisions I would have or could have made on my own.*

Some seasons are hard. Other seasons have me questioning the wisdom of having any children at all. I revert to my old mindset all too easily.

Grow in Faith

But I see how God used and is using motherhood to stretch my faith. He also uses the children to show up my hypocrisy. i have been humbled more times than I care to remember. There are many things God can use to grow us. I personally think motherhood is a powerful tool in His arsenal!

The longer I am a mother, the more I realise that that the only way to do this without going crazy is to do it in partnership with God. He made them. He made us. And He thinks we are the best people to raise them.

No expert knows our children like the One who created them and knows them intimately. I have learnt over and over that, while friends are great in talking things through and experts are helpful in providing studies and research, I need to go back to the Father for help and wisdom.

God Walks With Us

Philippians 4:6-7 tells us to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Having children means we will be anxious. It is natural and normal. But letting our worries overtake us is not.

If there is something that is worrying you about your child, go back to the Father. Present your worry to Him. Let the peace of God flood over you as the God of Peace takes over.

As He had helped me through those long, lonely nights walking up and down the living room trying to settle the baby, He is helping me now navigate the teen years. And I know He will do the same for you if you would present your worries to Him.

No Regrets

And in case you are wondering, no, I don’t regret having all these children. Yes, they do tire me out at times – physically (when they were younger) and mentally now that they are older. Oh the challenges of older smart-alecky children!

But look at what Psalm 127:3-5 says. Children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward. Are children the only heritage and reward from the Lord? Of course not. But they are ONE of the many ways God blesses us. And I am so grateful that He changed my heart to be able to see them as such.

I still, however, marvel though at how God managed to change my mind and heart about having children because I am still not the maternal sort. Ask my children.

My Babies With Jesus

Any post about all these children must not leave out mention of our 4 babies who are with Jesus. Babies I do not know but still remember and occasionally grieve over, although it has been many years since the last miscarriage (2014). I share my experience in Miscarriage Grief: Mourning Someone You Have Never Met.

As I often share with young mothers and women afraid of trusting God with their family size. It is presumptuous of us to think we will get pregnant and carry the baby to term just because we have intimate relations with our husbands.

Don’t Be Presumptuous

I conceived easily enough. But in 2008, I had my first miscarriage. I was shocked. But because I had at that point 6 children 10 years old and younger to care for, I did not have much time to grieve.

But in January 2012, when the second miscarriage happened, I was heartbroken. And then it happened again in December 2012. And again in 2014.

It got to the point where I told God – stop giving me these babies if You are only going to take them home! It was a tough season to walk through.

And yet, God walked with me. He did not leave me or forsake me. And in the process, my faith was further deepened.

Only God.

Coming up next, last post in the series: Never Be A Christian

*This is my story to tell. Henson has his own. While family decisions are made together with God, how we live out our joint decision is different. For example in trusting God with our family size, I struggled with the exhaustion and nausea, as well as the household and homeschooling needs. Obviously, these are not what Henson struggles with but he has his own struggles such as trusting God with provision for our ever increasing family size and needs. You catch a glimpse of his struggles in Rising Costs. Rising Faith?

Related Posts

Why So Many Children?
Miscarriage Grief
It’s Pure Hard Work
Large Family A Calling?
Rising Costs. Rising Faith?

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