Not All Who Ask For Help Want It

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It has finally dawned on me that not all who ask for help want it. A bit slow, I know! A lot of times, people just want to whine and have their pity parties. (Psst… I have been guilty of it too!) Yes, they want neither help nor advice. If you already know this, let me just remind you (and me!) not to get caught up in their pity parties. Let us be wise and discerning before spending time and energy offering advise or help.

Asking for Advice?

This behaviour is especially true in the online community. I often read posts from people asking for help and advice. But then they will also shoot down every piece of advice given until they get that one piece of advice that suits them.

Validation of Action?

Makes me conclude that what they really want is a validation of their actions. They want someone to pat them on the back and tell them that they are doing fine. Not advice.

Take for instance this scenario that happened when I was still in the nursing season.

Example 1

Help?

This person wrote about her struggle with pumping and breastfeeding as a working mother because she found it very tiring to pump at work. We all know what a nuisance and pain in the you-know-where pumping is, so most of us were sympathetic. There were also quite a few who offered her very practical and useful tips on how to deal with it. And also to encourage her to think of the long term benefits for her baby.

Validation?

But she would have none of it. She countered almost all their advice with reasons why she could not do it. This went on and on until someone wrote to say that weaning her baby off the breast and switching to formula was the best thing ever.

Now THAT was what she wanted to hear. She started engaging with this person and ignored the other posters who offered advice and encouragement to keep on pumping.

Now there’s nothing wrong with her decision – her baby, her decision. After all we don’t know her circumstances at all.

But, it still makes me wonder why she did not come right out to say – I am tired of pumping. I want to stop and I want encouragement that I won’t regret weaning my baby.

Why did she pose a question that sounded as if she wanted advice on how to cope with pumping at work? Did she really want advice or not?

Example 2

Another common question I see on forums is that of coping with housework. People will regularly ask about coping with housework but no one seems to accept what is shared. Until someone pipes up that getting a maid (live-in or part-time) is the best solution. Then the original poster will say actually that was what she had in mind. :::roll eyes:::

Be Honest

Are we looking for advice or are we looking to validate our decision? Be honest. There is nothing wrong with wanting our decisions to be validated or getting pats on the back for the work we do. But we should be honest about it. We shouldn’t be wasting people’s time seeking advice when that is not what we want.

Be Wise

And for those of us who spend time participating in such forums and Facebook groups, be careful not to waste time “helping” these people. We need to pray for discernment to suss out those who truly want to know and those who are just looking for their tribe to validate their decisions. We all have limited time and energy. Be wise to know when to help and when to withdraw.

Related Posts

Ready To Wean?
How I Manage Housework With No Maid
So How Many Maids Do You Have?

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