While post-natal depression is more commonly heard of and dealt with, apparently pre-natal depression occurs at a higher rate! Just google “pre-natal depression” and you’ll see many articles attesting to this.
What exactly is pre-natal depression anyway? And how or what does one do about it?
I am no doctor and so I cannot and will not give any medical diagnosis. But I can share from my personal experience that it is a general feeling of being depressed and overwhelmed by the situation at hand.
On one hand, one is happy that one has been blessed with a child and yet on the other hand, one feels totally overwhelmed and unable to cope with what’s required. It is definitely not a happy place to be at.
I only started to feel this way from the fourth pregnancy. But I understand that some women feel overwhelmed even from their first pregnancy. My first few pregnancies were mostly smooth and uneventful. However, as our family size increased, feelings of being overwhelmed and exhausted seem to colour each subsequent pregnancy. By then, we had also started adding homeschooling to the mix of things I had to juggle.
One of most obvious symptoms for me was that I tend to burst into tears easily, which is totally out of character for me. And when I sat down and analysed my feelings and thoughts, I found that these were the things that generally got me down :
- there were more young children to deal with. Since we were blessed with a new addition every 1.5yrs, it meant that when I was pregnant with our fourth, I had 3 children, aged 6 months, 2 yrs and 4 yrs to handle. It was just physically exhausting. And nursing during a pregnancy has never been my favourite thing to do.
- there was more mess to deal with.
- there was more disciplining to dish out.
- there was more training to do.
In other words, there was more of everything to do! But there still remained only one of me and one of dh. And in the recent years, as God has blessed our ministry, there has been more ministry demands on dh which means that I have to shoulder more on the family front, especially when he had ministry trips or retreats overseas.
So how?
These are the principles that have helped me each time I feel overwhelmed. However, it doesn’t always work for me because I don’t always do what is right but what I feel like doing 🙁 If I follow through with them, though I may not eliminate all my negative feelings, I do end up with more good days than bad ones
Perhaps the same principles may help you if you are feeling overwhelmed now, pregnant or not 🙂 They are not in any order of importance except for #1.
1. PRAY and REST in Him
I strongly believe that God’s timing is always perfect. He knows what I already have to deal with and how weak I am. When I find that I cannot handle it, I must turn to Him. He will help me. He is my helper. The more I try to handle it on my own pathetic strength, the more it all falls apart.
Let’s face it, there are never enough hours in a day. I am never going to be able to do everything all by myself, on my own strength, no matter how organised I am. So I force myself to relax and to rest in Him.
Let me confess that this piece of advice is totally tough to follow because I am so used to being in-charge, in control. But I have to let go. The more I try to hang on and push things through the more of a failure I feel since I just can’t get it done.
Much better to let go and just rest in Him. Besides, there have been many times I have been able to re-think how we do things in a more efficient way when I am forced to let go of the control freak in me 🙂
2. Simplify
On really bad, bad days when I feel exhausted and naseous, everything gets pared down to the minimum. To what has been termed “survival basics” 🙂 Meaning, as long as the children are safe, clothed and fed (notice how I did not say what they are fed!), anything goes. Really.
Here are the areas I try to simplify :
a) household chores : first I try very hard not to be obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness 🙂 Then I delegate the chores to the children (see point #3 below). I am quite certain that by the time this baby arrives, the house could run by itself pretty well if I manage to drill the children on their individual responsibilities consistently.
b) routines : I used to be very structured. But I have learnt to let go. Everyone is more relaxed this way. We go with the flow and not according to the clock, except for nap/bed times and mealtimes. Other than that, as long as the work portioned out is completed, it doesn’t matter when it is done. Or even how it is done!
c) homeschool : this is one big area that I was forced to simplify after the arrival of blessing #6. Once the grand plan of the year, for each child, is done using one of Donna Young‘s forms, I print out individual lesson plans for each child to put into their own folders.
(I will be sharing how we plan our school in another post.)
Each child (aged 5 and above) is then responsible for getting the work listed done. I am then responsible to check that they did do what they claimed they did 🙂 Do note that this didn’t happen overnight. It has taken months of training to get us to where we are today. And some children are more responsible than others 🙂
At the moment, our pared down school only has Bible, English (Language Arts), Maths, Science and Chinese. Field trips and arts and crafts are done during our week long break IF daddy is around to help out. If not, the kids just veg out and play with whatever is in the house during their break.
3. Delegate
Yes, no matter how young a child is, he can be taught to be a help and not a nuisance in the family. The least that is required of any child is that he/she is not to make unnecessary messes. Toys/games are to be put away after playtime by the child. Even a 15mth old toddler can do that.
All our children have been taught to help around the house, be it as simple as bringing me the diaper for the baby to the washing of the dishes or even mopping the house. Yes, they often do not perform to the standard I like but hey! it is better to have household chores done than not at all! 🙂
The more children I have, the more I realise that I need teamwork to make this home run smoothly. In the meantime, the children learn valuable life skills for free! No need to pay someone to teach them how to fold clothes or clean up the house.
Besides, the more work the children are engaged in, the less time they have for picking on each other or creating unnecessary messes for mom to clean up.
I am always thinking of ways for the children to help out around the house. Here are some of the things they do : vacuum the house, pack up their toys and belongings, do the laundry, set up and clear up the table before and after mealtimes, and their own personal cleanliness.
The only thing I have not succeeded in training them is to cook! Once that is taught, I should be home free. Older and wiser MOMYS have taught me that I need to work myself out of a job. The children should learn how to run a home as early as they can. And that is most certainly my goal!
4. Discipline the children
The children are a blessing to me and to those around them when they have been properly disciplined. The more children one has, the more one needs to be firm in disciplining them. One child running amok is bad, 5 children running amok is truly insane! Lol!
And as I have said before, whatever discipline issues a child has, it needs to be dealt with before the baby arrives. So no matter how tired I am, I do force myself to deal with the discipline issue, to nip it in the bud before it escalates into a big problem.
5. De-Clutter
Clutter and being disorganised zaps me of my energy. Looking at a messy room makes me feel more overwhelmed and depressed. So I take advantage of a pregnant mama’s nesting instincts and clear out the house with a brutal, no-nonsense approach. This helps me in two ways –
- I am getting something done and
- the house is getting tidier and a more pleasant place to be in.
The less clutter there is in the home, the easier it is to maintain order and cleanliness.
One more thing…
Towards the end of each pregnancy, I crave to be alone. It is as if I need to re-group and prepare for D-Day. But it is a near impossible feat with a houseful of young children who need mom.
So I steal time out throughout the whole day to do my own thing! 🙂 I make all the children rest in the afternoon. That gives me at least an hour of peace and quiet to do what I want.
Bedtime is staggered from 8:30pm to 10pm and once that happens, it’s ME time! 🙂 I try not to do any more “work” such as household chores or even school prep. But just have time to chill and write or read, and of course spend time with dh, if he does not have any ministry commitments.
But as I wrote before, sometimes, I could be doing all I shared above and yet I could still feel overwhelmed. Then it is truly an act of will not to wallow in the misery I feel. Because, really, what good does it do except to make me feel even more miserable?
And I would like to add that if it is a health issue that is making you feel depressed (anemia/thyroidism/hormonal imbalance/poor nutrition/lack of exercise/pain), please seek medical advice. Don’t just moan and groan about it. And certainly, do not blame the baby.
And lastly, once in a while, a pep talk to yourself helps!