14 ways to preparing an older sibling for baby’s arrival
We have been most blessed that none of the children exhibited any animosity against each new baby that we added to the family. Many friends and couples with a second baby on the way, have asked us how we did it. Especially since we do not have extra help in the house and I am alone in the house with the children most of the time. So I thought it would be good to share how we have gone about preparing an older sibling for baby’s arrival. While the other points are in no particular order, Point #1 is the most important :
#1 Pray
We start to pray almost immediately for good sibling relationships. That the older sibling/s will take well to the baby and the baby would also take to the older sibling/s. God has given this blessing to us as a reward. Surely He will not want the family to be torn apart because of sibling jealousy and rivalry. So when we pray for sibling closeness and acceptance, we can be sure that we are praying according to His will.
#2 Refer to baby by name if possible
This especially so if you had been calling the older one “baby”. Then he feels that not only has his position as been usurped, even his name has been taken over!
#3 Start disciplining now
Whatever issues that are bothering you about his behaviour – deal with it now. Do not wait and do not hope that it will go away when the baby comes. It will not. It will only get worse.
If you only discipline when the baby comes along, he will start associating the increased disciplining to the arrival of the baby. This way, seeds of resentment, not closeness, are sown.
#4 Change whatever you want/need to change before baby arrives
For example, sleeping or room arrangements, getting a maid, putting older one in childcare/school (*). Again, the principle is to not have issues that cause the older one to assume that all these changes are targetted to getting him out of the way because of the baby. You know your child best. If he takes a long while to adjust to changes, then you ought to make the changes ASAP.
#5 Prepare him for baby’s need to feed, cry and sleep
Tell him in a matter-of-fact tone that babies need to feed a lot and that they will cry a lot too because they can’t talk. Explain to them that crying is the only way the baby can communicate with us. This way, they won’t feel so puzzled or worried that the baby is either feeding, crying or sleeping.
#6 Start getting him to be more independent
And no guilt trips please! You are not depriving him of his childhood just because he feeds or dresses himself. You may want to rearrange certain things that help him be more independent. For example, his own drawer of stationery or utensils or even snacks, so that he can help himself to them without disturbing you. And instead of a water jug, get a water dispenser placed at his height so that he can help himself to water when he needs it.
#7 Start staying home more
If you have been bringing him out daily or very regularly, you should start cutting back on these trips in the last trimester, especially in the last month of your pregnancy. Unless you are able to continue this pace after the pregnancy, of course. Otherwise, the older child will face disappointment that he can’t go out anymore because of baby. This is especially true if you practice a strict confinement plan.
#8 Plan ahead
If you are going at it alone, then you need a plan! Be it for food or day-to-day activities, you need a plan to help you feel organised and not overwhelmed. You need not follow your plan like a robot and it need not be a rigid schedule. But on days where you feel you can’t function (because of sleep deprivation!), the plan will tell you what to do and you won’t even have to activate your brain cells! Ditch the plan and do something fun and spontaneous when you are feeling more up to it.
#9 Prepare the older one for delivery
Unless you are having a scheduled c-section, only God knows when the baby is coming out. So prepare him in advance what will happen when it is time for baby to come out.
Talk him through it in simple terms. For example, “When it is time for baby to come out, Ah Kong and Ah Ma will come and look after you. Then when the baby is out, you can come and visit (baby’s name) and mama in the hospital.” No need any other details to confuse him.
#10 At the hospital
Do not push the baby aside just because he is there. I always make it a point to carry the baby in my arms while welcoming the older child/ren. If I am nursing baby at that time, even better! I can then tell and show him that the baby needs to take a lot of milk from mama to grow big and strong. It is nice to get the older one/s to see that baby needs mama from the beginning.
#11 At home
Go back to your normal routine immediately, unless you have a medical condition that does not allow you to. For example, if you were the one who had always fed him or put him to bed, then quickly go back to that routine. He misses you and he is adjusting to many changes. At the very least, keep his feeding, washing up and sleeping routine fixed – something he knows for sure is still the same.
#12 Do spend time with the older child
But do not try to re-create the “old times” for him. For one, the “old times” can never happen again. The faster everyone agrees to that, the faster the child will adjust. Secondly, when you try to re-create the “old times” you make the older child miss it even more! Then he starts wishing for the “old times”. And guess who’s responsible for the “old times’ being gone? The baby! How do you think he feels towards the baby, now? Not a good feeling, right?
#13 Do not put negative thoughts into his head
Related to the point above is refraining from either asking him “Are you jealous/angry that baby is here?” or saying in front of him “He’s having a hard time adjusting to the baby.”
Any questions and/or comments along these lines are not helpful at all. And if anyone should ask him these questions, make it a point to refute them in front of him. Focus on his positive points instead. For example, say, “Oh no! He’s doing great! He’s a very helpful brother who loves his sister very much!”
#14 Get him involved
Praise him when he helps you get the baby’s diapers or clothes or when he entertains the baby. I find that the older ones start feeling a closer affinity to the baby when I look for opportunities to say things things like “Oh look! The baby seems to be smiling at you!’ or “The baby is looking at what you are doing!”.
And so this is how we have handled the addition of more and more children to the family. I hope this has given you some ideas to prepare your older child. I also hope that I have provided an alternative view on how to handle it instead of resigning yourself to sibling rivalry as a guaranteed outcome.
About childcare for the older child
Before I end, I just want to address the (*) I put next to putting the older one in childcare when the baby is due. I am not referring to sending a child to school, but full or half day childcare.
I personally disagree with this option because firstly, I am a full time stay-at-home-mother. I chose to stay home to raise my children myself. Going from the warmth of the home to an institution is often very scary for the child, no matter how much you prepare him. The younger the child (below 4), the more terrified he is of being left alone especially since he has spent most of his entire childhood with the family.
Secondly, I feel that it only delays whatever reaction the older child has against the baby. Whatever issues he may have towards the baby does not go away just because you removed him from it. It will re-surface later on. I’d rather deal with it as quickly as possible and nip it in the bud.
Thirdly, the child who goes to childcare brings home many germs and often passes it on to the newborn baby whose immune system is not fully functioning – breastfed or not.
Share what you have done to prevent any jealousy from the older child when the new one joins the family!