Disclaimer : I know sleep training is a very sensitive topic, just like discipline. So let me state upfront – this post is not for those who love and enjoy nursing/patting baby to sleep and are fine with co-sleeping and nursing through the night. It is for those who are very sleep deprived and feeling desperate.
Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?
That must be the most popular question people ask of new mothers with young babies. A variation of it is, “So how many times does he wake up at night?” There seems to be an obsession with the amount of sleep baby can sleep at a stretch each night without waking for a feeding.
I guess it is “normal” to want the baby to sleep through so that we, the mom, can sleep through too. And I think the biggest adjustment most parents have to go through when they have a baby is getting used to no longer being able to sleep more than 3 – 4 hours without any interruption. Well, unless you have a live-in maid or grandparent who sleeps with the baby at night.
What is sleep training?
So how does one get the baby to sleep through the night? And what exactly is sleep training?
Before I was a mother, I never knew that one had to “train” a child to sleep. Don’t babies just sleep when they are sleepy? Not at all. You’d be surprised how much some babies fight tooth and nail not to go to sleep. Why? I have no idea!
So, let me just say upfront – all things being equal, some babies are better sleepers than others. They just are. Just like how there are textbook babies and there are there are those who make it their mission to defy all “methods” and “labels”. If you are the mother of one (more?) such baby, God’s strength and joy be with you!
But most can be trained. It depends on how consistent you are.
Sleep training entails teaching a baby to go to sleep on his own without being dependent on another person. This is helpful because if he relies on another person to go to sleep, then if that person is not around, he can’t go back to sleep. And we all know that a sleep deprived baby is a cranky and miserable baby. And in the long run, harmful to his health.
A blessing in the long run
I firmly believe in sleep training although my youngest really challenged me on this! A child who goes to bed by himself with minimal or no fussing is a blessing to any home. This is especially so in a home with more than one child and mom has to handle everything on her own. Once it is nap or bedtime, mom can just put child to bed and then proceed to do what she needs to do. She does not need to spending half an hour or more “making” the child sleep. And then hold her breath as she slowly removes herself from the baby or room.
Before you sleep train
Please, do not attempt this without fully understanding the principles of sleep training. Why? You would be setting yourself and the baby for failure. You would also cause unnecessary distress and confusion (when you start-stop) to the baby. Also, IMO please only sleep train for the night time after the baby is 6months old.
Resources that helped me
There are many books and online resources nowadays on teaching your baby to go to sleep. But back in the day, I was so blessed to be introduced to Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo’s book, “Preparation for Parenting” and “Preparation for the Toddler Years”. Both are published by Growing Families International. In Singapore they are available from the Growing Families International Singapore webstore. These books are also available in a secular version called On Becoming Babywise and On Becoming Toddlerwise.
Two things I learnt from the Ezzos were the concept of the feed-wake-sleep cycle and disciplining the funnel way*. Both concepts were such a blessing. Once I implemented the feed-wake-sleep cycle, I no longer have to guess if my baby is hungry or tired or bored. The baby also no longer associated sleep with nursing.
For a more detailed explanation on sleep patterns and sleep association, I found Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi A. Mindell Ph.D. to be helpful.
*This was for disciplining your children.
Here are some things that helped me when sleep training my babies.
1. PRAY!
Before you even start to encourage your baby to sleep by himself, pray, pray, pray!
Pray that the baby will develop good and healthy sleep habits quickly. Actually, it would have been better if you had prayed this when baby was in the womb. But better late than never!
I will not cover in detail, the how-tos here. I suggest you get a copy of the books I mentioned above or even Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Sleep Solution : Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, to understand the principle of sleep training before implementing any sleep training.
Which ever method you choose, remember to be consistent. Please don’t confuse your baby by changing things up. Also, be prepared to stay home for at least a week to get baby used to the routine. Do not sleep train just before going on a holiday or any change in your family’s routine.
2. Encourage self-soothing
As mentioned, the basic premise of sleep training is that a child needs to be encouraged to self-soothe himself to sleep and not be dependent on another person. With that person nursing, patting, rocking, singing, etc to sleep. Because, when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, he would look for that person to put him back to sleep. In other words, he cannot go back to sleep until he is nursed, patted, rocked, sung to, etc.
After having seven babies, I have found that the thumb suckers are the easiest because they have their thumbs always with them! Once he is able to aim for his mouth accurately, my 2 thumb suckers would go to sleep anywhere! But even then the non-thumb suckers would put themselves to sleep once the routine is triggered.
3. Have a go-to-bed routine
Having a routine is very helpful for the baby. Some would nurse then put them to bed. Or sing them a song. For us, I will say the same things to them before nap and bed times, such as “Time to sleep! Love you! See you later! Bye bye!” I would kiss them and put them in their cot. For night time, I would dim the lights.
3. Expect protests
If you have been rocking and nursing your baby to sleep all this time, do expect loud protests from him when you remove these sleep crutches. And the longer he is dependent on whatever sleep crutches to sleep, the louder his protests will be. Why? He has to unlearn his sleep association and give up his sleep crutches. So be patient. Managing my expectations on this helped a lot.
4. Take cue from baby
Over the years, I have learnt that the fastest and least painful way to sleep train a baby is to spend the first two months watching and observing baby’s natural sleep pattern and rhythm. By taking your cue from your baby instead of imposing your wishes on him, everything is a little easier.
As newborns to about 3 months, I have noticed that most of mine will start feeling sleepy after being awake for 1 to 1.5 hours. They will then start to fuss and may even start rooting for the breast. If I carry and rock gently for a while, they will doze off.
So when it is time to teach the baby to sleep on his own, I will put him down for his nap after 1.5 hours of awake time. And even as he cries, it’ll be just for 5 minutes at most.
If I hurry and put him down before the 1.5 hours interval, he will be screaming because he is not ready. And if I am “late”, he will become overtired and scream loudly too! So in the early days, I watch his cues very diligently.
But when to start?
I usually start sleep training after they turn 3 months. BUT I do not expect them to sleep through the night at this point. My idea of sleep training is not to get them to sleep through the night but to go to sleep on their own.
So this means that I will get them to go to bed by themselves at night, just like in the daytime. BUT I would still nurse them if they woke up in the middle of the night. To me, once they are able to sleep by themselves, anything else is a bonus!
What about night time sleep training?
Even as I want my baby to sleep through the night as early as possible , personally, if my baby is waking once or even twice a night to nurse, I usually let it pass until they have started taking solid food. It is when they are waking every hour or 2 that I will put my foot down.
You do have to watch that they are nursing well and enough during the day to expect them to sleep through the night. A baby that is very distracted and nursing 3 – 4 times a day may really need those night feedings. Also, I would make sure that baby has a feeding just before I go to bed is also helpful in “topping up” baby’s tank.
Please do not write to me about the so-called negative side effects of sleep training. What I do know is that a well-rested child is a happy and contented child. And a well-rested mom is also a happy and contented mom. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing to endure when it isn’t necessary. And spending hours trying to “make” a child go to sleep is also a waste of time and energy.
Your turn
Do you sleep train your babies? Or do you just nurse the baby to sleep and have someone tend to the toddler?
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