Reading the Asiaparents postings and some other blogs recently made me conclude that I must be really belong to a minority group of moms.
These are your supermoms, out to make sure that their babies are superbabies 🙂 These moms read up a lot on stimulating their babies and start flashing cards ala Glen Doman style as soon as their babies are born (ok – I exaggerate 🙂 ). Then they make sure they feed their babies right. Not for their babies what normal people eat but only organic, freshly prepared stuff. Heaven forbid that they should touch food from any of the fast food restaurants.
If you have been reading my blog long enough, you will know that I am not like that. Not even from Child #1.
I am not out to bash these mommies since they really do have their babies welfare at heart. And they have the resources on hand to do what they do. But I am wondering how much guilt they heap on the rest of us? Most of us are struggling to survive, juggling the multiple roles we have as wife-mom-housekeeper-etc…Then we read about the huge amount of effort these moms make to ensure that junior gets the best head start.
Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’ll sure feel super guilty. And I’ll sure be determined in my mind and heart that I’d better not have more than 2 children MAX! Otherwise, how to ensure quality of life?
Well, I am here to tell you that it is a lie!
You don’t need to do all that to have quality of life. Yes, it would be nice to have the time and energy and money to do all that. But you don’t have to. You only have to trust God!
All these stuff that they do can make us feel good. Great if you can do it and better still if you actually like doing all these things. But it is really unnecessary. We just need to trust God. He gave us the children we have. We need to be good stewards of them. How? When time and energy and money is limited? Ask God. Every family’s walk is different. Don’t let guilt get you down.
If and only if you have been lazy and not doing anything and reading such postings spur you on, then again, I say, great! But if you have been doing all you can and such postings make you feel like the most lousy, neglectful mom then stop. Yes, stop reading these posts. The voice of condemnation is to be ignored. Rebuked even!
For the record – I don’t do flashcards (and 5 out of 7 children can read. Maybe not at 18mths but they can read).
And I don’t do organic food. Hey! I don’t even do pureed baby food. Yes, you read that right. I only did it for #1 coz he was very interested in food and was a huge eater. The rest were never interested in food till they were about 10mths old. Even then, the foods they ate were merely for tasting. And they ate so little it was never worth the effort to cook and freeze even. They all ate very well once they were weaned (anywhere from 12mths to 22mths). And they would eat what we ate.
Life can be as easy or as complicated as we choose it to be. I choose simplicity.
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But you homeschool them! All of them, in fact 😉
Daniel was suggesting that, but no way, man! I need me back.
And of course you are in the minority, lah. How many have 7 children? ;p
Sam – I homeschool them, not househouse them 🙂 And I homeschool them not because I think I can do a better job either. 😀 And minority not in having 7 children but in not doing all these stuff lah.
Ee Lin – I even more laid back/lazy than you on the food issue. I have not cooked a special bb’s meal after #1. They just eat what I am eating – in and out of the house. Besides it’s just to taste. I’d probably be more careful if they’re eating lots. The only thing I watch out for are possible allergic reactions. Once they clear that, I feed them anything.
Ah….after a while, probably with age and experience, one sort of knows more about what really matters and what is not worth sweating over.
Serene!
Thank you sooo much for this post. I was thinking I was the only one ‘neglecting’ my kids and yes, feeling bad about it. For that matter, the whole line of posts abt mops and keeping house etc also made me feel guilty when I think of what I don’t do and how messy my house is. I must share with you one day abt the friend who came to visit me and noticed how dirty/messy my house is. Thanks for making me feel better.
Although I know I should not I let these posts make me feel guilty and low, abt my (lack of) housekeeping, abt my kids.
And guess what, I got guilted into buying flashcards and tried to do it for a while but I couldn’t keep up. WHAT was I thinking? I’m just not into it and I don’t have the time or the inclination to keep at it consistently.
But I have got the dvds and that’s easy enough, as time fillers for the baby when I need him to sit still for 10mins. lol! But it’s not something I do systematically or even consistently.
I so agree with you about the quality of life part. I’ve just not been able to articulate it so well. Yes, it’s something that I hear a good number of mums around me say as well – that we HAVE to do xyz for each kid otherwise we’re cheating them, and it’s not fair to them, etc.
Thank you so much for reminding me what’s truly important – trusting God and entrusting God, if I might add, with our kids and just being diligent to teach them good values, character etc. I’ve always said it was more important to me that my kids be good, gracious, kind Christian people than to be smart, or academically advanced etc. Thank you for putting all this back into perspective for me.
Good post Serene, I always go by “whatever floats your boat!”
sorry to clog up your post but forgot to add:
i must be the only mum around who feeds her baby/toddler not just our food but outside food fr a very young age. the result is my toddler’s tastebuds are like ours now, he needs seasoning, not over much but definitely some. he definitely can’t take bland baby food anymore. i ‘corrupted’ his gut and tastebuds fr young. i figured the sooner he eats like us, the easier it will be for me. and i believe in moderation – a few outside meals a week is not gonna overload his kidneys.
i still cook porridge for him sometimes but i don’t stress abt carrying food for him. so if we have impromptu outings he eats what we eat, eg last sunday after church he shared his sister’s beef hor fun. and on wed night when we had dinner with my parents, it was rice n tofu n prawn rolls (hae chor) cut small. and i think nothing of giving him wanton mee or prata for breakfast on our weekend breakfast outings. : )
the only organic stuff he has is the brown rice i use for his porridge tho i’m not sure what good it does him since he eats our ‘rubbish’ quite a bit, too. lol!
Hi, I chanced upon your blog a couple of mths ago and have since been following your posts. This particular one really impresses me. I used to read various parenting forums and just like you mentioned, they made me feel like I am not doing enough for my children (8,6). I ended up trying to do what those ‘super mums’ did (enrolling kids in various enrichment classes, giving them headstarts in various discipline and also making sure they take the right food to develop their brains to the fullest potential). What follows are lots of tension (esp with my elder child), stress, great unhappiness and more guilt. I agree totally with you. All we need to do is to trust God and allow the kids to develop at their own pace and most importantly, to enjoy every stage of parenting; to hold their hands alongside ours and not to push them from behind.
Ee LIn – Not to feel guilty about the housekeeping part. I guess I am one of the guilty party for making others feel guilty. But then I am obsessive-compulsive and I don’t expect everyone to be the same. In fact, over the years, I learn to relax more through learning from my more laid back friends! It’s like : go to their houses, see layer of dust and dust bunnies, but see them less stressed, hm…never die from dirt leh, ok I also close one eye. Haha
HI Serene
i like this post cause i don’t do flash cards too :)and i am a super laid back mom, my kids only go for chinese enrichment classes ,no swimming, no music or arts lessons. sometimes i wonder if i am too laid back.
btw, i have received the books, thks!
regards
octopusmum
Thank you for ur post! I have friends who do bring their kids to all sorts of enrichment classes… one even made it sound like if I don’t bring, my son will be listless at home and isn’t nurtured to his max. I felt guilty. These classes are expensive too!
But reading your post, I realise, yes I really need to leave him to God, pray, do my best, and God will do the rest. Thanks again! 🙂
Jo
Eh, but Serene, you bought the flashcard DVDs – if you don’t use resources that you already have, very wasted, leh!
I sold it to Pat! Haha! At a loss but stlll better than sitting at home looking at me and making me feel guilty!
No wonder Pat has the WTL. Haha.
I like this post very much. Sometimes when parents write about how their kids can read, do this and that by the age of 2, it can put a lot of guilt on other parents. And some parents write as if their kids and household are perfect and that they are in full control of everything that’s happening. I would think to myself: but your children are only 2? Think *I* thought my children are perfect when they are two! *lol* The truth is we do not have a control over how our kids would turn out in future. We can only do our best and leave them in God’s hands. I always love this verse which sums it up:
Luke 7:35
But wisdom is justified by all her children.”
hi!
I pop by from Sam’s blog once in a while, and have enjoyed reading your posts a lot.
I’m also part of AP and know what you are talking about. I’ve also learnt just to skim through those posts, and not take any personal lessons. It is just interesting for me to know all the different types of enrichment out there, and how certain methods work for some families.
But I have also learnt that not everything will work or apply in my own family. I have 2 boys, and when ds1 was born, I tried flashcards too (wasn’t member of AP yet then, just saw some on the market and tried them). ds1 wasn’t interested and after just 2 days, I gave up too (lazy or just understanding my kid well, I don’t know).
For ds2, he didn’t have any flashcard or any enrichment at all.
I’m not great at phonics, so I didn’t teach them phonics too. Neither did we have the means to enrol them in any “learn-to-read” classes, so I just did what my mom did when I was young: read books with them everyday.
They both learnt to read by “whole-word” method I guess, because one fine day, they just learnt to read, just like that.
I am a SAHM and a Christian. I do feel bad at times if I had spent a lot of time blogging and surfing, or watching DVDs like Da Chang Jin, cos it meant the kids were running amok the whole day, by themselves. But I have stopped feeling bad when I read of others’ mothers’ hard work.
I have also observed that there could be 2 groups on AP. There are those who tbf, co-sleep, EC… All these need a lot of effort too (I also tbf). There are some moms who can’t or didn’t do it. Do they feel guilty or feel very bad when they read of moms who EC their kids, and tbf till the child self-weaned?
There are some like you, who birthed all 7 kids naturally. For moms like me, who tried so hard to have my boys in the purebith way, but can’t, I used to be really sad too. There were so many “whys” and “what ifs” after each birth..
I guess all moms will always ask themselves if they are doing the right thing, should they meet someone else who is not doing the same as they are, and are meeting with great success, or are saying that their way is the best.
I think, as long as I reflect and feel I’ve done my best, and prayed enough about it, I think perhaps I will learn not to have any regrets nor feel guilty or feel bad about it.
That’s the only way to be happy. And a happy mom and wife makes a happy home.
Hi. Thanks for popping over 🙂 ITA that if one has done all one can we have no need to feel condemnation or guilt.
Thanks for this post. It certainly made me feel loads better about myself.