I have explained our style and method of discipline in our home at Discipline and The Rod? Time Out?
It has been largely effective for us as we train our little ones to obey our authority, as their parents. But I often hear of parents spanking for everything under the sun. This is NOT recommended.
Don’t spank for everything
We believe in spanking but we do not believe in spanking for everything. This “style” of disciplining has an adverse effect on the child. The child learns to toughen himself up and learns to ignore the pain after a while.
I wholly DISAGREE with this type of spanking. It is not only ineffective but creates resentment and bitterness between parent and child.
Teach obedience first
In our home, we teach each child to heed the call for obedience. Only when they do not heed it, then we will spank for disobedience. Meaning, no matter the instruction given, they have to obey. Any disobedience to the instruction results in a spanking. Unless they can explain why they could not obey.
To be fair to the child, we need to ay down clear rules. You cannot expect them to obey you when you yourself are not clear on your rules.
In fact, if the rules are not clear and firm, the child WILL always be testing you. For example, you lay down the “no snacking” rule before dinner. You stick to it for a day or two, even when she whines continuously till dinner time. However, on Day 3, when she starts whining at 4:30 pm, you shove some muffins into her hands. Take away for the child? Persistence and whining works! And Mom is not really serious about no snacking before dinner after all. I shall be trying my whining trick again tomorrow. I may get lucky again!
So remember to lay down your rules clearly before you start disciplining them!
Discipline disobedience
And when we discipline them, explain why they are being disciplined. Children are funny creatures. Their perspectives are very different from ours. Many times when we ask them why they think they are being disciplined, their answers are so often off the mark that it leaves us astounded!
We will not say, “You are being disciplined for not brushing your teeth/not packing your room/not doing your chores/etc…” Because then you will have to make a rule for everything! Instead, we say, “You are being disciplined for disobeying our instructions.”
Is there a difference? Yes. With the former, you’ll need to lay down rules for everything! And it encourages the child to look for loopholes. Mummy said no drawing on walls, she didn’t say anything about drawing on tables! The latter teaches them that they need to obey our instructions, whatever our instructions are.
Blind obedience?
When they are babies and toddlers, we teach them to obey immediately and cheerfully. As they start to show maturity (when exactly this happens depends on the child), and responsible behaviour, they are allowed to appeal or ask the reason behind an instruction – respectfully.
And the reason given is usually a short one. No long stories in this household! Even if no reason is forthcoming, they are still required to obey. They learn to obey because we have told them to, not because they like our explanation or if the explanation appeals to them. This cuts down a lot of useless, non-productive, time consuming arguments with a young child who cannot fully understand logic and reasoning.
No long and protracted explanations, please!
I have seen moms explaining and appealing to their young children why he needs to put on his shoes when they are preparing to leave my house. Mind you, the explanation given is not “we have to put on our shoes because we are leaving now”, but a long, protracted conversation about the merits of putting on shoes! And sometimes, I or my children are even put forth as the villain! “Aunty Serene (or the baby) wants to rest now so we have to leave.” Like huh?! Where did THAT come from?
Find a scapegoat!
A similar scenario is played out in shops where the inquisitive child is touching and making a mess of the store display. Instead of telling the child not to mess up the place because he is being inconsiderate, and have the child obey the simple instruction, I hear the parent painting a ugly picture of the store owner or salesperson – “Aunty will be very angry with you for messing up the shop!” So…the child has to obey because the unfriendly store owner is fussy?! Mom is not the bad guy, yanno?!
In both examples, the child is not being taught to obey mom but to resent this other person who’s obviously a party pooper!
Don’t just spank
Obedience, when taught well, results in well behaved children (most of the time). Please do not spank for everything under the sun. Focus on teaching your children obedience and you will reap a pleasant and peaceful home.
This article by Elizabeth of Raising Godly Tomatoes explains it perfectly. Click HERE to read it. I read it years ago after I had read Preparation for the Toddler Years by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo (renamed On Becoming Toddlerwise for the secular market) and am so glad to have learnt these basics when I had one child.
Parenting is tough and getting the basics right is helpful to achieving a peaceful and happy home that glorifies God.