Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23:13-14
As I mentioned before in a previous post on Discipline, this is such a sensitive subject that I am usually reluctant to comment when it comes up in a group setting. And yet without proper and correct discipline, our children run amok, becoming a burden and a nuisance instead of being the blessings the Bible says they are.
We use the rod
Yes, we use the rod. Or in local terms – the cane A cane here in Singapore, is a thin , flexible rattan “stick”, no thicker than 0.4cm. This is the only thing we use. Not belts, not rulers, not wooden spoons, etc…
This instrument inflicts pain with little damage. Just a welt on the flesh that fades within a day if administered at the buttocks or upper thighs.
We have always used the cane. What’s important is HOW spanking/caning is done. Contrary to popular belief, spanking will not lead to child abuse if used correctly. It also does not lead to violence in a child or a child that seethes with inward anger. All these indicate that the punishment has not been dealt out correctly.
Spank correctly
You may be thinking, “Huh? There’s a correct way to spank?” Yes! The book, “Spanking – Why? When? How?” by Roy Lessin (UPDATED : out of print now) was a great help in learning the correct way to administer the punishment. Another helpful book is Preparation for the Toddler Years by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo (renamed On Becoming Toddlerwise for the secular market).
I don’t have the time nor space to write in details about the hows and whys of spanking/caning. I strongly recommend getting copies of these books to fully understand how it should be done. When done incorrectly, it will backfire on you.
Basic principles of spanking
Here, I can only give you the main principles :
-
don’t cane in anger
-
always explain why the child is being caned.
-
follow up with hugs after an apology is given
-
issue is then not mentioned again since apology is accepted.
-
there is no need to rain blows on the child. Usually 1 or 2 strokes of the cane is enough. You should also not be chasing the child around the house to cane him.
These are to me, the basic principles when disciplining with a cane. We mainly use it when the issue of disobedience comes up and not for everything under the sun It is a very effective tool in disciplining a young child not able to fully reason and who needs to understand that when daddy or mama says “no”. They mean “no”.
Time out
So what about the popular “time out”? We don’t use it. We may ask the child to go and sit down and think about his misdeed but it is never used as a punishment. Why?
To me, time out does not teach a child to obey because he has to. Instead, it teaches a child that if he misbehaves, he gets left out of the activities that are happening around him, or that he wants to do. So he learns that if he wants to do what he wants to do, then he’d better heed mum’s instructions. Highly self-centred motivation.
A spanking
What about being caned? Doesn’t it teach the child that he’d better obey coz of pain? Oh yes! But disobedience does lead to pain and grief. There is a price to pay for disobedience : it is separation from God. And we want to teach this to the child as early as possible.
Do not encourage self-centredness
But when the price of disobedience is a “what’s-in-it-for-me” thought, then the child grows up to be even more self-centred than he naturally is. He would have the same question in his mind when God calls him. “Hey God! What’s in it for me?” Not something we would like to encourage.
So there you have it. Disagree with me all you want. But this is how we do it in our home. The beauty of it is that if used correctly and consistently, spanking tapers off quite significantly by the time they are 4 to 5 and ceases when the child is about 8. The “peak” is when they are 2 and 3 yrs old.
Don’t spank pre-teens and older
If done correctly and consistently, you should not need to spank after 8. Actually the amount of spanking drops substantially after 3 years old. As they grow in maturity and show responsible behaviour, we transition to other methods of disciplining. Not only is it no longer effective, it can damage your relationship with your child.
Food for thought!