“It pays to reason with kids, say parents” – Straits Times, 21 October, 2006 (Home p2)
I haven’t read the actual survey conducted by the Singapore Children’s Society (SCS) but the headline in the papers was provocative enough In view of the recent posting I did on using the rod, The Rod? Time Out?, I thought I should address this article.
Use reasoning only when child displays maturity
Do I regret posting what I did? No, I don’t. I stand by what I said. But if you remember, I also mentioned in the same posting that.
“As they grow in maturity and show responsible behaviour, we transition to other methods of disciplining. Not only is (spanking) no longer effective, it can damage your relationship with your child.”
Reasoning would be one of the many alternative methods then. The other would be the removal of privileges. But bear in mind that reasoning would only be effective in a child able to reason.
A 2 year old may act like he understands reason but he does not. He does not have the mental, emotional nor spiritual maturity to fully comprehend reasoning. He probably does not even remember what he did wrong if you discipline too long after the misdeed was committed!
Require immediate obedience
A young child needs to learn immediate obedience. Once he has proven that he is a responsible child, the “reins” so to speak can be loosened. As the child matures physically and mentally, we, as parents, should take even more time to explain their misdeeds to them.
Sometimes, they are really clueless about why they are being disciplined. They need to know and understand why they are wrong. Otherwise, they will feel that you are being unreasonable and that they have been wrongly disciplined.
Tell them why they are disciplined
I make it a point to tell them what they did incorrectly before the discipline is dished out. Getting them to SAY what they did wrongly ais necessary to imprint the lesson in their minds. Otherwise, all they remember is the discipline and that breeds resentment, not correction of attitude or behaviour.
Reasoning is ONE of many tools
So yes, I agree that reasoning has a place when disciplining children. Reasoning with children is only one of the many tools available to discipline our children but it needs to be used when a child has showed maturity. We do not reason with a 2 year old. We do not even reason with a 10 year old if she does not display the maturity. But no, it should not be used as the sole source of discipline. And it should not even be used when the child has not displayed maturity.
I have deliberately not given a specific age because every child matures at a different rate. You will have to be the judge of whether your child is mature enough to be reasoned with.
Remember, do not use reasoning – or shouting for that matter – as an easy way out. If the rod needs to be used, use it. Do not shy away from it.
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23:13-14
His soul is at stake!