A common refrain heard in forums for mothers goes like this, “I can’t handle it, I need a maid because I have young children.” Well, I am here to encourage and tell you that you don’t NEED a maid.
Of course you CAN have a maid. Whether one has a maid or not is not the issue. And having a maid does not make you less spiritual than someone who does not have a maid, ok? 🙂
You Don’t Need a Maid
I am addressing the common misconception and mindset that one must have a maid just because one has young children. And I am not just saying it coz I am Serene 🙂 I know many moms who do without a maid here in Singapore (where apparently 1 in 5 households have at least 1 maid) and in the US where having a live-in maid is a luxury reserved for the well-to-do.
The simple truth is you don’t NEED a maid. Yes, it would be very helpful to have one but you don’t need one even when you have very young children. It really upsets me when I hear of people who are in financial problems but refuse to give up their maids because they have “no choice”. All their children are healthy and so are they. Why do they need a maid? A maid with all the accompanying costs added in can easily cost a family $800/month! Think of what you can buy/pay off with that $800! And mind you, it is a recurring cost.
But How?
So, just how does one go maidless when you have just young children? The most important is to change your own mindset. You need to know that you CAN do it. Then you will need to do a bit of planning, realise some sacrifice is needed. Then don’t forget, teach your children to be more independent. Lastly, consider investing in some machines to help you. Yes, it is hard work to do everything yourself. But my point in this post is not to tell you that it isn’t. Rather it is to tell you that you can do it IF you want to.
(a) Change Your Mindset
The main thing when going maidless is changing your mindset. Stop thinking that you need a maid. You’d have to stop expecting your house to be spotless. And, stop doing everything yourself.
A lot of times we are defeated in our minds even before we try something out of our comfort zone. You can do this. It takes getting used to but if you don’t try, how would you know?
(a) Planning
You will need to plan your day, no matter how loose and flexible your plan is. Plan when to clean the house; plan when to cook; plan when to go grocery shopping; plan when to iron; plan when to change your bedsheets – you get my drift 🙂
Then there is sacrifice. You will have to sacrifice SOME of the much talked about “me time” and sleep. And you’ll have to give up your high standards of the house being always neat and tidy and/or showcase ready.
But, if you plan carefully, you usually can squeeze in some “me time” and even nap daily, if not weekly. And your house can look neat at least once a day 🙂
(c) Teaching Children to be Independent
One thing very often overlooked is teaching our children responsibility and independence. Often mom is running around like a headless chicken while the children are whining about some thing or another and expecting mom to entertain them. That should be a no-no in every house. 😛
Here are some of the things moms can do to teach independence. This list is not exhaustive by any means.
1. Self-feeding
Children need to learn to feed themselves. Sorry, but I really disapprove of 3-year-olds needing to be fed. I am not talking about cutting up their food or spooning up for them the last bits of rice/noodles that they have trouble getting into their spoons. I am talking about having to feed them an entire meal 3x/day.
Yes, they do make a mess – a huge one sometimes. Put some old newspapers under their chair and let them try. Shower them after a meal if necessary. The more you allow them to practice, the faster they will “get it” and the less mess there will be.
2. Self-dressing
They need to learn how to dress themselves. By 3, they should be able to put on their clothes with minimal help. Again, let them practice often and they will get it sooner than later.
Yes, it takes much longer than if you were to do it for them so let them practice on days when you are not going out or in a rush.
3. Helping with Chores (putting away toys/books/clothes)
They need to learn that they need to pack up their toys when they are done playing with them. Same with the books they are done reading.
In our house, if they don’t pack up, they don’t get to play with another toy/get another book. Or they may be allowed to make a mess (mix up toys from the different baskets – shudder!) but they will have to pack up once playtime is over.
It helps if you have a designated place for their toys and books. If you don’t, it is time to get organised and start decluttering!
4. Putting Away the Laundry
Teach them to put their soiled clothes into the laundry basket (you can even teach them how to separate light and dark laundry) and to put away their clean clothes into their wardrobe.
Yes, it may not be as neat as when you do it but they are learning how to do it. Then when they are not looking, you can straighten it all up 🙂
Now please note that I am not talking about children who can’t because of some physical disability. I am talking about children who are not taught how to do so. And worse, not expected to do so 🙁
It is sad to hear that the mom is so bogged down by basic chores that she can’t breathe and is going crazy or that she has to employ an army of helpers. It doesn’t have to be this way. Teach your children from young. Take advantage of their early enthusiasm.
(d) Invest in Machines
If you can, invest in machines or equipment that help you work more efficiently. It pays for itself very quickly I assure you. It is not a waste of money. It is of course not necessary but very helpful in making your job more productive. Besides, it is a much cheaper and less stressful helper than having a live-in maid 🙂
Yes, You CAN Do It!
I am not saying you never need a maid. Sometimes a maid is a necessity. Perhaps the husband travels a lot. Other times because you have twins! Or maybe your health is not good or your child’s health is not good and you need to make lots of doctor’s visits. And other times it is because the husband says “no” to not having a maid.
Just don’t get pressured into having a maid because everyone around you tells you that you can’t do it. Because,
Yes, you CAN do it!
Look for encouragement from people who are doing it and tell yourself that you can do it.
Think through your systems or make up new systems that help you. If you want to go maidless badly enough or if you have to go maidless, you will make it work. Sadly, sometimes people say they can’t do it but actually it is because they don’t want to work for it.
But on the other hand, don’t just do it because you want to prove a point. It will backfire and you may just end up feeling resentful.
i need a maid to clean up after my MIL! When she wasn’t around, I realised how I need to make sure I washed the whole sinkload BEFORE i went out of the house (which is often in a rush), or she would’ve *washed* it in our absence. Poor kids were also realised after finding knives with peanut butter on one side and kaya on the other side and oily bowls and plates and pots on the dish drainer and in the cupboards that they, too tried to wash the sinkloads if I’d rushed out while the sink was not done – but then MIL would see them and “help”. Oh well, and that’s only part of the story. There’s still the bathroom, the laundry, the floor. Urgh. All the follow-ups and monitoring. *sigh*. And I have another one probably next-in-line to take her place. That’s why really need 2 extra rooms.
Having a maid is becoming part of the norm especially for families with children. Many, some close friends included, always query repeatedly when I am getting a maid again and such… and I am like- ‘Hello, my children are so big’ (well relatively speaking as a relative took pains to point out that they are still very young! ;)) When I showed dh the features about your family, he merely said i have a lot to learn from you especially the planning part… oh well, I am glad the days of when feeling needy of a helper are long gone!
Yep this is what I want to address – it is not a need (in most cases) but something that society expects. And when you go against the mainstream ideas and values, people will not be comfortable and will try to put you down.
Thanks for this post, it’s encouraging to me. DH & I agreed early on not to have a maid but sometimes I find it tough to keep up with the housework after a full day at the office and having to settle the little one when we get home. Though I have a part-time cleaner that comes in fortnightly to help with more thorough cleaning, I barely find time to nap on the weekends. 🙁 need more discipline.
HI! THis post is so apt for me right now. I am expecting no.2 and pple around me are bugging me to get extra help. I have been a SAHM for 3yrs, no doubt i only had 1 to mind, but i felt it was a breeze (i say this humbly)! I totally agree that it’s all about planning ! So, i am hoping NOT to depend on a helper even with no2. Yet, i do feel jittery ‘cos i don’t know how fussy no2 can/will be. And seriously, i dont know of many SAHM with 2 kids and without help. It made me feel like its an impossible task. So, its encouraging to know from you that it IS possible! However, here’s a qn! I STILL FEED MY 3.5YR OLD! But, i do not have a choice. He’s not a eater and has never (its not an overstatement by the way) been hungry. I HAVE to feed him else, he will NOT eat. Its not like he does not know how though. I tried getting him to self feed but the most he does is to scoop ONE GRAIN of rice at a time. He will avoid all other ingredients. Do you have any tips for such a picky eater? Starve him? But he’s already quite underweight and even short (we’re both tall by the way).
Hi. Everytime I hear this question, I always ask the same question – is the child drinking A LOT of milk/formula? Usually the answer is “yes” 🙁 The the solution is easy – if you really want him to eat more solids, then cut the milk down or out. Snacks would be out too. If you are already doing all these, then you may wish to check if he has some physical issues that are bothering him and affecting his appetite. Hth!
hai, no, he isnt drinking much milk either! he’s only downing 360ml A DAY. And no its not formula, just fresh milk which isnt as filling as the former. He can do without snack the whole day and still has little interest for dinner. I think we’re getting him to drink the milk BECAUSE he isn’t eating well. :I I guess, my problem is kindda unique. I am just one of the rare species who just can’t get my son to self feed! :I Anyway, thanks for the tips. 🙂
But 360ml per day for his age is A LOT. At his age, milk is a supplement ie a cup a day or maybe 2 cups a day AFTER meals, not with meals and definitely not before meals.
Having said that, if you have inadvertently trained him to be dependent on you then you can either choose to re-train – ouch! Or leave him be which I am very sure will cause you stress when the baby comes. Do think ahead and pre-empt troubles before it starts. Remember pregnancy causes you to slow down and when baby arrives, more so.
alongside your blog, i wish to encourage moms out there on NOT NEEDING a maid.
i am a SAHM mom to 2 kids, and we have been living outside SG since my younger child was 6mths old. at first we started out with a live-in helper but that didn’t last half a year. we made a conscious decision to do away with another pair of hands, not just in housework but also in bringing up our children. to cope with that change, my elder child had to ‘grow up fast’. he had to learn to be independent, pick up after himself, feed himself, all at the grand age of 2yrs old. these are skills that he has carried with himself after these years.
even after we moved to another country that offered very affordable live-in help, we still did without, only a part-time cleaner for 9hrs/wk. i do agree much is dependent on planning your day, getting the kids to help/be independent, getting them to understand the family’s daily routine.
of course there will be pockets of ‘stressful’ time, and that’s probably why we also need to manage kids and my own expectations. in fact, i’ll add to this list the need to manage external expectations too, e.g. friends/relatives. for example, my friends know not to expect a return call/sms in the late afternoon when the kids are home from school, tackling homework, getting dinner ready, bathing and up till their bedtime.
bringing up children is a journey by itself. doing it outside of the comforts and familiarity of home is another level of challenge. add to that doing it without extra help, be that from a domestic helper or from grandma, might be a crazy idea to some, but has been very rewarding for me.
I totally agree with the points in this post, especially the part of getting children to self-feed, dressing themselves and being independent. I have been a SAHM to my 3-going-to-4 year-old and 18-month-old. I have had maids on and off when my no. 2 came along. It’s really interesting to see how my 3 year-old would actually be more independent and willing to help out with housework during the times when we did not have domestic helpers. She would help me with simple chores like folding some of her laundry and even helping me hang up some laundry like little towels, etc. It’s very heart-warming and rewarding to see my 3 year-old being a little good helper. She enjoys doing that too.
That beng said, it is very manageable when everyone is healthy, (just like what Serene mentioned in the post), however, in the event that any of the parents or caregiver gets very sick, it can be very challenging if there’s no external help.
i need a maid to clean up after my MIL! When she wasn’t around, I realised how I need to make sure I washed the whole sinkload BEFORE i went out of the house (which is often in a rush), or she would’ve *washed* it in our absence. Poor kids were also realised after finding knives with peanut butter on one side and kaya on the other side and oily bowls and plates and pots on the dish drainer and in the cupboards that they, too tried to wash the sinkloads if I’d rushed out while the sink was not done – but then MIL would see them and “help”. Oh well, and that’s only part of the story. There’s still the bathroom, the laundry, the floor. Urgh. All the follow-ups and monitoring. *sigh*. And I have another one probably next-in-line to take her place. That’s why really need 2 extra rooms.
Faint! 🙁
Having a maid is becoming part of the norm especially for families with children. Many, some close friends included, always query repeatedly when I am getting a maid again and such… and I am like- ‘Hello, my children are so big’ (well relatively speaking as a relative took pains to point out that they are still very young! ;)) When I showed dh the features about your family, he merely said i have a lot to learn from you especially the planning part… oh well, I am glad the days of when feeling needy of a helper are long gone!
Yep this is what I want to address – it is not a need (in most cases) but something that society expects. And when you go against the mainstream ideas and values, people will not be comfortable and will try to put you down.
Thanks for this post, it’s encouraging to me. DH & I agreed early on not to have a maid but sometimes I find it tough to keep up with the housework after a full day at the office and having to settle the little one when we get home. Though I have a part-time cleaner that comes in fortnightly to help with more thorough cleaning, I barely find time to nap on the weekends. 🙁 need more discipline.
HI! THis post is so apt for me right now. I am expecting no.2 and pple around me are bugging me to get extra help. I have been a SAHM for 3yrs, no doubt i only had 1 to mind, but i felt it was a breeze (i say this humbly)! I totally agree that it’s all about planning ! So, i am hoping NOT to depend on a helper even with no2. Yet, i do feel jittery ‘cos i don’t know how fussy no2 can/will be. And seriously, i dont know of many SAHM with 2 kids and without help. It made me feel like its an impossible task. So, its encouraging to know from you that it IS possible! However, here’s a qn! I STILL FEED MY 3.5YR OLD! But, i do not have a choice. He’s not a eater and has never (its not an overstatement by the way) been hungry. I HAVE to feed him else, he will NOT eat. Its not like he does not know how though. I tried getting him to self feed but the most he does is to scoop ONE GRAIN of rice at a time. He will avoid all other ingredients. Do you have any tips for such a picky eater? Starve him? But he’s already quite underweight and even short (we’re both tall by the way).
Hi. Everytime I hear this question, I always ask the same question – is the child drinking A LOT of milk/formula? Usually the answer is “yes” 🙁 The the solution is easy – if you really want him to eat more solids, then cut the milk down or out. Snacks would be out too. If you are already doing all these, then you may wish to check if he has some physical issues that are bothering him and affecting his appetite. Hth!
hai, no, he isnt drinking much milk either! he’s only downing 360ml A DAY. And no its not formula, just fresh milk which isnt as filling as the former. He can do without snack the whole day and still has little interest for dinner. I think we’re getting him to drink the milk BECAUSE he isn’t eating well. :I I guess, my problem is kindda unique. I am just one of the rare species who just can’t get my son to self feed! :I Anyway, thanks for the tips. 🙂
But 360ml per day for his age is A LOT. At his age, milk is a supplement ie a cup a day or maybe 2 cups a day AFTER meals, not with meals and definitely not before meals.
Having said that, if you have inadvertently trained him to be dependent on you then you can either choose to re-train – ouch! Or leave him be which I am very sure will cause you stress when the baby comes. Do think ahead and pre-empt troubles before it starts. Remember pregnancy causes you to slow down and when baby arrives, more so.
alongside your blog, i wish to encourage moms out there on NOT NEEDING a maid.
i am a SAHM mom to 2 kids, and we have been living outside SG since my younger child was 6mths old. at first we started out with a live-in helper but that didn’t last half a year. we made a conscious decision to do away with another pair of hands, not just in housework but also in bringing up our children. to cope with that change, my elder child had to ‘grow up fast’. he had to learn to be independent, pick up after himself, feed himself, all at the grand age of 2yrs old. these are skills that he has carried with himself after these years.
even after we moved to another country that offered very affordable live-in help, we still did without, only a part-time cleaner for 9hrs/wk. i do agree much is dependent on planning your day, getting the kids to help/be independent, getting them to understand the family’s daily routine.
of course there will be pockets of ‘stressful’ time, and that’s probably why we also need to manage kids and my own expectations. in fact, i’ll add to this list the need to manage external expectations too, e.g. friends/relatives. for example, my friends know not to expect a return call/sms in the late afternoon when the kids are home from school, tackling homework, getting dinner ready, bathing and up till their bedtime.
bringing up children is a journey by itself. doing it outside of the comforts and familiarity of home is another level of challenge. add to that doing it without extra help, be that from a domestic helper or from grandma, might be a crazy idea to some, but has been very rewarding for me.
not without God’s help, i guess!
I totally agree with the points in this post, especially the part of getting children to self-feed, dressing themselves and being independent. I have been a SAHM to my 3-going-to-4 year-old and 18-month-old. I have had maids on and off when my no. 2 came along. It’s really interesting to see how my 3 year-old would actually be more independent and willing to help out with housework during the times when we did not have domestic helpers. She would help me with simple chores like folding some of her laundry and even helping me hang up some laundry like little towels, etc. It’s very heart-warming and rewarding to see my 3 year-old being a little good helper. She enjoys doing that too.
That beng said, it is very manageable when everyone is healthy, (just like what Serene mentioned in the post), however, in the event that any of the parents or caregiver gets very sick, it can be very challenging if there’s no external help.